3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
200 Bar Jokes
This is page 18 of 20 pages displaying a total of 200 Bar jokes.
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She Buys A Thermos A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." The blond then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?" She replies "It's a thermos." He asks, "What does it do?" She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." He then asks, "What do you have in there?" "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Understanding Football A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Blonde And A Waterbed Ralph went to a bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon he invited her back to his place. When they got to the bedroom, the blonde exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed, I've never had sex on a waterbed before." Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think we should put on some protection?" "Good idea," Ralph responded. The blonde jumped up walked out of the room, and when she came back, she was wearing a life preserver. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Working Blonde Goes Home There were some women working in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they'd be right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy happy happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Attempted Pick-up A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Ballerina A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The bar goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. She turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approaches the little drunk and asks, "Say, it's your business of course if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir! To me, any woman who can lift her leg that high is a ballerina! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Bar Bet ($1000) Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The barkeep comes over to them and asks,"What can I serve you gentlemen?" One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of you finest beer that I can lick my eye." The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I'll take that bet." So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket. The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me." He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar. When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you gentlemen ready for another?" The same guy answers, "I'll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear." The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy's left ear, his right ear, and says, "There's no way you've got an artificial ear. I'll take that bet." The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth. The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me again." He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar. A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, "I'll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away." The barkeep says, "It'll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can't do it." He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back. The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor. The barkeep picks up the two $100 bills, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, "I just made $100 so I'm smiling, you just lost $100, why are you smiling?" The drunk says, you see they guy over there I've been drinking with all this time? I just bet him $1,000 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you'd wipe it up with a smile on your face. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Bar Name A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?" The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Bar Bill A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Bar Translations Bar Room Translations 1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.) 2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU." (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.) 3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.) 4. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (FEMALE) (I'm easy.) 5. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE) (I'm gay.) 6. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.) 7. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?) 8. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.) 9. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE) (I'm horny.) 10. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.) 11. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE) (Get the hell out of the way.) 12. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am going to grope you now.) 13. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE) (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.) 14. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.) 15. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?" (What's cheap?) 16. "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (MALE) (I'm really gay.) 17. "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (FEMALE) (I'm really easy.) 18. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR." (Did I sleep with him/her?) 19. CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.) 20. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE) (I'm 19.) 21. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE) (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here) -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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