3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 18 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Why God Created Eve TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE 10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!) 8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night. 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing. 4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools. 3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Laws Of Computing Murphy's Laws of Computing -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly. 10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Living In The 1990's You Know You Work In the '90s When.... 20. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 19. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 18. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. 17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents. 16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. 15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow. 14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical. 13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore. 10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process. 9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work. 8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables." 7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors. 3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. 2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. And, the number one sign you work in the nineties... 1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Progressive Life Stages ........ ----- THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK -------------------------------------------------------------- 17 Wine Coolers 25 White wine 35 Red wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES -------------------------------------------------------------- 17 Need to wash my hair 25 Need to wash and condition my hair 35 Need to color my hair 48 Need to have Francois color my hair 66 Need to have Francois color my wig AGE FAVORITE SPORT -------------------------------------------------------------- 17 shopping 25 shopping 35 shopping 48 shopping 66 shopping AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE -------------------------------------------------------------- 17 "Burger King" 25 "Free meal" 35 "A diamond" 48 "A bigger diamond" 66 "Home Alone" AGE FAVORITE FANTASY ------------------------------------------------------------- 17 tall, dark and handsome 25 tall, dark and handsome with money 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 a man with hair 66 a man AGE HOUSE PET ------------------------------------------------------------- 17 Muffy the cat 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? ------------------------------------------------------------- 17 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 AGE IDEAL DATE ------------------------------------------------------------- 17 He offers to pay 25 He pays 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 He can chew breakfast ----- THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE ------------------------------------------ AGE DRINK ------------------------------------------------------------- 17 beer 25 vodka 35 scotch 48 double scotch 66 Maalox AGE SEDUCTION LINE ------------------------------------------------------------- 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead. AGE FAVORITE SPORT -------------------------------------------------------------- 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE -------------------------------------------------------------- 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids." 66 "Got home alive." AGE FAVORITE FANTASY ------------------------------------------------------------- 17 getting to third base 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trois 48 taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave AGE HOUSE PET -------------------------------------------------------------- 17 roaches 25 stoned-out college roommate 35 Irish setter 48 children from his first marriage 66 Barbi AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? -------------------------------------------------------------- 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Light Bulbs & Astrology How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb? Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it? Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process. Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out. Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you? Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order. Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb? Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so... Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb? -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Marriage 1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!). 2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached. 3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind. 4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. 5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes. 6. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit. 7. Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever. 8. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" : - The Engagement Ring - The Wedding Ring - The Suffe-Ring - The Endu-Ring 9. Married life is full of excitement and frustration : - In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. - In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. - In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen. 10. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener. 11. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. 12. It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED! 13. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced. 14. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes. 15. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE! 16. There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!" 17. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. 18. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence. 19. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. 20. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Gardening Laws Law of Gardening I: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. Corollary: To distinguish flowers from weeds, simply pull up everything. What grows back is weeds. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Martha Stewart Calendar Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '95. December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 -Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri of frankincense and myrrh. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Years Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Things Men Never Say TOP TEN ANSWERS MEN WOULD MOST LIKE TO GIVE TO WOMEN'S STUPID QUESTIONS, BUT NEVER WILL -=-=-=-=-= 10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex. 9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat. 8. You've got zero chance of me calling you. 7. No, I wont be gentle. 6. Of course you have to swallow. 5. Well yes actually, I do this all the time. 4. I hate your stupid friends. 3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight. 2. I'd rather watch a stick movie. 1. Eat it? It took me 10 schooners to get up the courage to fuck it. 11 things you never hear a woman say: -=-=-=-=-= 1. Do you think this dress makes me look too slim ? 2. You take me out too much, can't we just stay in ? 3. A fake one will do. 4. You look stressed out, let me give you a blow job. 5. Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it. 6. That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body. 7. My mother is a real old bitch. 8. No, no, you buy me too much already. 9. Give it to me hard up the butt big boy, you know I love it. 10.What headache ? 11.Put your money away, let me buy the round. ==================================================================== -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Differences Between Men And Women Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone... MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me? " CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style." WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for one or two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", What are you, nuts?", "No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "that was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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