3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 18 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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Nuns Vs The Vampire Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Not In Church Things You Never Hear in Church ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew. 2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. 3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. 4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. 5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. 6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do. 7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! 8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early. 9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. 10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Office Prayer The Office Prayer Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they really pissed me off, And also, Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, As they may be connected to the ass That I may have to kiss tomorrow. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Politically Correct Christmas The "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas... ---------------------------------------------- On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs THREE deconstructionist poets TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and... ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) * *Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Pearly Gates Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when a rowdy crowd from New York City showed up. Being somewhat skeptical, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit them, as they were for better or worse, still all his children. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!" "What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!" \\|// (o o) ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----------------------------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Pms Is In The Bible? A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,... "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Pope Meets The Queen The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this". So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done." So the Pope headbutts her. ____________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Sermon The preacher was walking down a forest path one beautiful Sunday afternoon, on his way home after having delivered to his congregation what he thought might have been one of his finest sermons ever that morning. Lost in pleasant thoughts of how pleased God must have been with his powerful message and touching oration, he failed to note the hungry bear sneaking up on him through the bushes until it was too late. The preacher heard a rumbling growl, turned in surprise, and looked the bear straight in the eyes! Terrified, he began to run as fast as his legs would carry him! He ran and ran until he thought his legs would collapse, thinking surely he would be able to out-run the bear, but when he dared to look around, he saw the bear only two steps behind. "Oh, please God!" he prayed sincerely, "I delivered my finest sermon ever in your name this morning. I must have brought many souls to your gates of heavenly salvation. Surely you'll help me get away from this bear!" And on he ran, more quickly than before, confident that the Lord would help him out-distance the bear. Soon his breath was rasping in and out of his lungs, and his legs were trembling uncontrollably with his mighty effort. He slowed a bit and glanced behind him; the bear was now only one step behind. "Please, Lord!" he prayed fervently, "I know you can't mean for this bear to kill me! Please, please, please let me get away from this bear!" And on he ran, pushing himself to the edge of his strength and endurance, positive that the good Lord would come to his rescue. But it was not to be. The preacher's heart was now pounding, his lungs felt like they were bursting, and his legs suddenly refused to hold him upright. He fell to he knees on the forest path, fearing his imminent death. "Oh please, God," he prayed frantically, "I can't run any more. I don't know why you wouldn't help me get away from this bear after I delivered such a wonderful sermon this morning, but can't you at least make this bear a good Christian bear? I don't want to die!" Not daring to hope that the Lord would actually answer this prayer, the preacher bowed his head and waited for the inevitable. When the end did not come swiftly, he lifted his head in surprise, only to find to his stunned amazement that the bear was also kneeling on the path, paws folded, head bowed, praying, "I thank you, Lord, for this fine meal I am about to devour...." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Long Sermon THE LONG LONG SERMON A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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"shit Happens" In Philosophy ============================================================================== SHIT HAPPENS according to the Philospohers ----------------------------- Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it. Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit? Aristotle: The essence of shittyness... Plato: There is an ideal shit, of which all the shit that happens is but an imperfect image. Archimedes: Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float? Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit. Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit? I shit, therefore I am. Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire): The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit. Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life. Sartre: Shit is meaningless! What is shit, anyway? Freud: Shit is a phallic symbol. Godel: It can be proved that it cannot be proved that shit happens. ============================================================================== -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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