3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 19 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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An Oregonian, A Californian And A Texan Were Out Camping. An Oregonian, a Californian and a Texan were out camping. They were lazing around a campfire when the Texan pulled out a bottle of tequila and after taking a couple of swallows, threw the bottle up in the air, pulled out his six shooter and neatly shot the bottle. The Californian noted that there was still some tequila left in the bottle, but the Texan replied, "That's okay, we have plenty of tequila where I come from." The Californian promptly brought out his bottle of White Zinfandel, took two swallows, threw it up in the air and shot it with a 9mm semiautomatic pistol with a 15-shot clip. He stated: "It's okay, we have plenty of wine where I come from." The Oregonian took all this in and finally opened a bottle of hand-crafted english-style pub bitters from a Portland microbrewery. He downed the entire bottle, threw it up in the air, shot the Californian with a 12-gauge shotgun and deftly caught the bottle. The Texan's jaw dropped nearly to his silver belt buckle and his eyes widened nearly as wide. The Oregonian, momentarily puzzled at the reaction, finally piped up: "It's okay, we have plenty of Californians where I come from, and I can get a nickel for the bottle." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Extended Job Code List ********************************************************** MEMO FROM: From payroll accounting.... ____________________________________________________ It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Attached: Extended Job Code List Code Explanation ---------- ----------- 5316 Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker. While Coworker is not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timesheet 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Yourself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5511 Feeling Horny 5600 Bitching About Lousy Job 5601 Bitching About Low Pay 5602 Bitching About Long Hours 5603 Bitching About Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323) 5604 Bitching About Boss 5605 Bitching About Personal Problems 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching 5701 Not Actually Present At Job 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls in Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods 6206 Gossip 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g., vacation, wedding...) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (see code #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring At Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Idiot Test 21 Correct - Genius 8 Correct - Nincompoop 17 Correct - Above normal 6 Correct - Moron 15 Correct - Normal 3 Correct - Idiot IDIOT TEST 1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?_______ 2. How many birthdays does the average man have?______ 3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?_______ 4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?_______ 5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?_____ 6. How many outs are there in an inning?________ 7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?_____Why?________ 8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are not ties. Explain this.____________ 9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10; what is the answer?_______ 10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have a southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear?_________Why?____________________ 11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?_____ 12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?________________________ 13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp and a wood-burning stove, which one would you light first?___________ 14. How far can a dog run into the woods?____________________ 15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?_________ 16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?_________________ 17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on to the Ark?_____ 18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?_______ 19. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?______ 20. What was the President's name in 1950?__________ 21. How many grooves are there on a standard LP record?_______ -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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You're An Geek/nerd If... You're an geek/nerd.......... 1. If you introduce your wife/girlfriend as "mylady@home.wife" or husband/ boyfriend as "myguy@home.stud" 2. If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner 3. If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie 4. If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas 5. If Dilbert is your hero 6. If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE 7. If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes 8. If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail 9. If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50 10. If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place 11. If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids toys 12. If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car 13. If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts 14. If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string 15. If you window shop at Radio Shack or Fry's Electronics 16. If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies 17. If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area 18. If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run 19. If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment 20. If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is 21. If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven 22. If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush 23. If you own "Official Star Trek" anything 24. If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside 25. If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception 26. If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid 27. If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project 28. If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor 29. If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts 30. If you have never backed-up your hard drive 31. If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud 32. If you truly believe aliens are living among us 33. If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance 34. If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is" 35. If you see a good design and still have to change it 36. If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions 37. If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it 38. If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind 39. If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are 40. If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires 41. If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal 42. If you have more toys than your kids 43. If you need a checklist to turn on the TV 44. If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name 45. If your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre 46. If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work 47. If your IQ number is bigger than your weight 48. If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it 49. If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary 50. If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already 51. If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for 52. If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal 53. If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use 54. If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting 55. If people groan at the party when you pick out the music 56. If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week 57. If people hound you for pocket protectors at Halloween time 58. If you did the sound system for your senior prom 59. If your checkbook always balances 60. If your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her 61. If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone 62. If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life 63. If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers 64. If you think your computer looks better without the cover 65. If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didn't get enough sleep 66. If your wife/husband hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work 67. If you spend more on your home computer than your car 68. If you know what http:/ stands for 69. If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio 70. If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage 71. If your favorite part of the 6 o clock news is comparing their latest satellite weather picture with yours 72. If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory 73. If your lap-top computer costs more than your car 74. If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Coffee 2. Chocolate 3. Pretzels 4. Jolt Cola -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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The World According To Steven Wright: I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. You can't have everything...where would you put it? I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?" I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long." One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go." The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?" When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child . . . eventually. Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time. What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Some Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey Some Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. ========== If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." ========== To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." ========== The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. ========== Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. ========== I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. ========== If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." ========== If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. ========== Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. ========== To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. ========== I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. ========== If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat). ========== Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all get along? ========== Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. ========== I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. ========== I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. ========== Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind. ========== If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. ========== It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. ========== If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. ========== As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. ========== I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. ========== I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. ========== Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. ========== What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep. ========== Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. ========== During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." ========== If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. ========== When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. ========== Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. ========== Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. ========== If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. ========== Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? ========== If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. ========== If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. ========== Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." ------------------- Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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W I N T E R M E L T D O W N W i n t e r M e l t d o w n December 8 -- 6:00 PM and it's starting to snow. The first of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down all over the area. It was BEAUTIFUL! December 9 -- We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered by a beautiful mantle. I shoveled the snow for the first time in years and loved. it. I did both the driveway and sidewalks. Later a snow plow came, shoveled it again. December 12 -- The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we will get some more before the lovely winter is through. December 14 -- It snowed eight inches last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero. Shoveled the driveway and sidewalk again and then the snow plow came by and did it's trick again. December 15 -- Sold my van and bought a 4 X 4 Blazer so I can drive in the snow. Bought snow tires for my wife's car. December 16 -- Fell on my ass on the ice on the driveway. All that was hurt were my feelings. December 17 -- Still cold (below zero in the A.M.) and icy roads make for tough driving. December 20 -- Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. The goddamn snow plow came by twice! December 22 -- We are assured of a white Christmas because 13 inches of that shit fell today and with this freezing fucking weather it won't melt until August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, jumpsuit, heavy jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves etc...) and then got the urge to piss. December 23 -- I was going to go ice fishing today, but the fucking worms froze and I didn't want the fish to break their teeth on my fucking bait! December 24 -- If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that fucking plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls! I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street at 100 miles an hour throwing that shit all over what used to be my lawn! December 25 -- MERRY CHRISTMAS! They predict 20 more fucking inches of this white bullshit. I wonder if they know just how many fucking shovels full of snow 20 inches is?? Assholes!! Fuck Santa, he doesn't have to bust his balls shoveling that shit. The snow plow driver came by and asked for a donation. I whupped him up-side the head with the snow shovel. December 26 -- Guess who the fuck got 28-plus more inches last night? I must be going snow blind or getting cabin fever because the wife is starting to look real good to me! December 27 -- Cocksucking toilet froze. If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow. December 28 -- I set fire to the house. Now let's see if the fucking snow melts off the roof. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Italian Dinner Two vampires were sitting around their castle in Transylvania talking about how they were tired of the local food. Both of them were of the opinion that Italian food would be a nice change. So, they changed into bats and winged there way over to Italy. They set themselves down in Venice and went looking for their dinner. Soon, they found a nice dark bridge over a canal to have their meal. They hunkered down and waited. In no time, an Italian couple came floating down the waterway. As they passed under the bridge, the vampires grabbed them, sucked them dry and tossed them into the water. As they licked their lips, they discussed how good Italian food was and they both decided it was so good that they wanted seconds. Again, they hid and waited. As before another young Italian couple came floating down the canal. Also as before, the vampires grabbed them, sucked every drop of blood from their bodies and tossed them over the side of the bridge. Now, the vampires were felling pretty full, but they decided to make it a really special night and to have some dessert. Waiting in the dark, they soon spied another couple approaching their bridge. When they got there, this couple also found themselves subdued and their bodies sucked dry. The vampires then tossed the dead couple into the canal. Satiated, the vampires prepared to change form and fly home before they were caught by the coming dawn. They stopped however, when they heard singing. Not wanting to be seen, they searched for the source. A quick glance proved that they were the only ones on the bridge. The sound however was coming from the canal. Slowly they approached the rail and looked over. Sure enough there in the water they spied a crocodile. He was munching on the bodies singing, "Drained wops keep falling on my head..." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Irish Pub Joke A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Lets have another round to Ireland." "Of course", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Wherein Ireland are you from?" "Dublin", comes the reply. "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course", replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender. "Nothing much", replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Three Elderly Ladies One afternoon three elderly ladies were sitting around a table enjoying tea. One woman said to the others "you know, sometimes I find myself in frontof the fridge with a jar of mayonaise in my hand, and can't remember if Iam supposed to put it away or make a sandwich" Another woman chimed in saying "you know, I have the same problem.... sometimesI find myself at the stairway landing and can't remember if I'm going upor coming down". The third woman proclaimed "well, I'm glad I don't have your problems - knockon wood" as she rapped her knuckles on the table three times and said "oh!,that must be the door, I'll get it!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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