3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 19 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Movies In the movies, Pt 1 If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. In the event of a car chase, there will be two men carrying a large pane of glass through the streets. Later, you will drive through it. Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames. The person you trust most at work and reveal all the details of the life-threatening situation to is the one who is trying to kill you. If you think there is an intruder in your house, your cat will choose the precise moment to leap out at you from inside a cupboard. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If there is a deranged killer on the loose this will also coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity. ~ HUMAN TALENT ~ It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do. Newborn babies can babble, crawl and hold their heads steady. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons, and empower you to throw them off enough to incapacitate them and disarm their weapons. If the person you are chasing has just taken the elevator down from the 20th floor, you will be able to get to the street quicker than he can by running down the stairs. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fusion at age 22. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey. High class club dancers with a heart of gold can operate most heavy machinery. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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More Movies Things I Learned in the Movies, Part II THE WAY THINGS WORK: When looking through binoculars, you will always see everything through a figure eight shape. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. A slight blow to the head is usually enough to cause amnesia. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not. Restaurant bills will always be 15% less than the amount you are holding in your hand. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few seconds. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. In school, teachers will always be interrupted mid-sentence by the end-of-class bell. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one. MYSTERIES The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. During a murder investigation lasting several weeks it will not be necessary for detectives to go home at any time to eat, sleep, shave or change their clothes. If a killer is lurking in you house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon - then look in your bathroom mirror and he will suddenly appear behind you. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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New Definitions For Men From Women A New Lexicon For Women About Men *Neanderful.* Men haven't made much progress in the art of wooing over the last few hundred years, as evidenced by the Tonya Harding affair. Basically, it's still "here, look what I've beaten and killed for you!" Women need a way to indicate appreciation and revulsion at the same time. Now, there's a word. "Og, that was really neanderful; now please drag the bloody carcass out of the foyer, wipe off your club, and be sure to write me from jail." *Manslobber.* Some men just can't take no for an answer. The harmless majority of these Gomers are much like laboratory monkeys who keep pressing a button which administers a dose of potentially pleasurable, but eventually deadly poison. If refusing a date just doesn't get through to the bundle of glands that is yapping at your heels, women may now say "I'm sorry, Goofus, but I'm going to have to press manslobbercharges." *Mammopia.* This phrase would be used to chasten men who just can't seem to focus on anything but a woman's {dairy related} body parts. When this behavior is detected, women could say "Hey buddy, I'm up here! You need radial keratotomy for that severe case ofmammopia." *Premature Articulation.* This phrase would be used to assail the "Schwing Reflex," which causes men to make vulgar comments about attractive women who pass within their field of view. An occasional "Hello, Betty!" is forgivable and physiological responses are not controllable (if they were, oh happy day!). Still, men ought to know better than to say things like "Here, chickie, chickie" or "Come to Papa!" The problem is: men speak before they think. The next time it happens, women may retort, "What's the matter Hercules, have you got a case of premature articulation?" *Haskellate.* Named after the Sultan of Suck-Ups, Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver, this phrase would be used to castigate men who heap meaningless flattery on women with all their motives ulterior. When the doo-doo gets deep, women could say "if these flurries haskellate any further, I'll be knee deep init." *Blowhole.* Men are much like whales. They lie around most of the time, then surface briefly to spout off. I pity women who must nod through a nice meal while her date sounds off about his {completely made-up} accomplishments. When this happens, she should say "Moby dear, why don't you submerge now and give your blowhole a little rest. You're getting the otherdiners a little wet." Written by: Jim Rosenberg The Daily Monologue http://www.thewire.org/jim -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Effective Methods Of Revenge GETTING EVEN -- not that I would do anything like this ;) -=-==-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-= A list of ways to get even with someone. Example: GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. Come early! X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials. LOST KEYS: Get a hold of some old useless keys (car, house, etc.). Place victim's name, phone number and $50.00 reward... if found and returned. Drop the keys in one of the less desirable areas of town. PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries. DOGS: Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning (2am-4am) go near the victim's house and blow the silent whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner awakes and disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back to bed repeat the process again. FAX MACHINES - Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Office Sanity How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity in the Office Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting nibble on carrots. Insist that your e-mail address be "god_of_fire@companyname.com" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present. Come to work in your pajamas. Put a picture of your mother on your business card. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.) Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay." Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." Plant a hedge around your cubicle. Grow mold in your coffee cup. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of yourchair. Talk into your daytimer. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi. Hang mistletoe over your desk. Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'mfeeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night." Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive". Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, and when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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New Age Pick-up Lines In this world of standards, we all know that the same old pick-up lines just don't work anymore. So here is a small collection of new creative lines that may just do the trick. or not! 1. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. 2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money. 3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. 4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 5. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King: you treat me right, and I'll do it your way. 6. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine. 7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 8. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house. 9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous. 10. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Poopie List The Poopie List Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet. Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwipped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain. Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done poopieing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more. Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling. Corn Poopie- Self explanatory. Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times. Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways. Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water. Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl. Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns. Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell. The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie! The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose. ___________________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Pre-season Ski Tips Ski season is almost here!! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared: 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. 7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Procrastinator's Creed "Procrastinator's Creed" --------------------------- 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Relationships RELATIONSHIPS 1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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