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304 Religious Jokes
This is page 19 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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'"shit Happens" In Religion ============================================================================== SHIT HAPPENS in various world religions -------------------------- Taoism: Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens, so flow with it. Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Please this flower and buy our shit. Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens". Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY." Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen again to you next time. Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation. Zen: What is the sound of shit happening? First, shit was shit. Then it wasn't. Now I'm one with Zen, and shit is shit again. 7th Day Adventism: Shit happens on Saturdays. Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before. This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life. This shit happening IS you. Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else. If shit happens, praise the lord for it! Presbyterianism: This shit was bound to happen. Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession. It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it. Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK. Have faith that shit will happen. If shit happens, don't talk about it. Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans. Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit. Be silent and wait for shit to happen, friend. Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit. Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway. Judaism: Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal? Conservative Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives? Shit happens to whom it may concern. Orthodox Judaism: So shit happens, already! Islam: We don't take any shit. Sunni Islam: If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit! Shiite happens. Shi'ite Islam: WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT! If shit happens, take a hostage. Nation of Islam: Don't take no shit! New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar. Shit happens, and it happens to smell good. This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. I create my own shit. Visualize shit happening... Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess makes shit happen. An it harm none, let shit happen. Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon. There is only a limited amount of good shit. The best shit happens in the Watchtower. Knock Knock, "Shit Happens." Here, we insist you take our shit. Shit happens door to door. Open the door and I'll show you what shit is. Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read. Secular Humanism: Shit evolves. Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest. This shit was once food. Evolutionism: The world is getting shittier all the time. Creationism: ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested. Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray. Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will take care of itself. Shit happens in your mind. Atheism: I don't believe this shit! Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead. No shit! It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it. Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit. Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not. What is this shit?! I don't know shit! How can we KNOW if shit happens? You can't prove any of this shit! Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit, mon. Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it. Let the shit multiply. Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah) Hey, there's more shit happening over here! God sent us this shit. Shit happens again & again & again ... Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and happens and happens and ... Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. We'll wash the shit right off you. Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord! Shiite Baptist: Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if it doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's God's will and we know it... -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Speeding Amish Woman An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake... -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Scriptural Communication Notes ~~~ It pays to know your scripture references! ~~~ A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. ________________________________________________________ Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20 ________________________________________________________ The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation: ________________________________________________________ I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10 ________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Prayer For Stress Relief A Prayer For The Stressed Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as....... They may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work....12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Fridays. And help me to remember that..... When I'm having a really bad day, And it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown, And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Religious Decree "The Letter" After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it! I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions." "Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?" "I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter. "That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people. Do you know what the letter said? (scroll down) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . No? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . You didn't get one either, huh? -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Telling Lies ~~~~~~ The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much Pastor." replied the one lad. "We just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys ! Boys ! Boys !" he intoned. "I'm shocked. Why when was your age, I never even thought about sex at all." They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win Pastor !" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Throwing The 1st Stone Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked. "This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded. "Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head. "Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Two Priests Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud.""So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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20/20 Wisdom In Hindsight An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Christmas Tree Angel Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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