3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
34 True Stories Jokes
This is page 2 of 4 pages displaying a total of 34 True Stories jokes.
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Interesting Trivia TRIVIA FEVER What occurs more often in December than any other month? Conception. A survey of 1000 American women and men revealed this as their least favorite household chore. What is it? Vacuuming the stairs. It is estimated that 9 out of 10 American women do this with their feet. Wear shoes at least 2 sizes too narrow. In a recent survey, Americans were asked what one modern convenience they could not live without. The most common answer... Scotch tape. Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it? Skinny dipping. What is the world's most common animal? The rat. Found everywhere in the world, including Antarctica. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show? No theme song. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? Their birthplace. This is propinquity. The average person will spend approximately one year out of their lifetime doing this. What is it? Searching for lost or misplaced items. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? Obsession Most executives say this automatically eliminates a candidate from job consideration - what is it? A typo in their resume. More women do this in the bathroom than men. Wash their hands. Women - 80% Men - 55% If you're single, there's a 1 in 3 chance you did this the last time you were with your significant other. Lied. It takes an average person about 7 minutes to do this. Fall asleep. What is the most common name in the world? Mohammed What do 100% of all lottery winners do? Gain weight. Surveys reveal that girls do this for the first time in their back yard. First kiss. A "Bridal Guide" survey reveals that 77% of all newlywed couples do this. Sex in rooms other than the bedroom. In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell. Banana It takes an average woman 14 minutes to do this after she gets in bed. Turn off the lights. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousand The odds are 1 in 2 that your best friend will do this if you are a married man. Fantasize about your wife. Hockey legend Wayne Gretsky does this for good luck. Only tucks in the right side of his jersey. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women. Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men. Change their underwear. This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous. A kiss What first went on sale to the public in pharmacies on May 9, 1960? Birth control pills Who is "Lisa Gheradini"? DaVinci's Mona Lisa This is the only food that doesn't spoil. Honey There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year. Father's Day What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic? He was allergic to carrots. The average woman spends 2.7 years of her life where? In the bathroom. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this? Snoop in your medicine cabinet. 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this. Wear underwear. About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting? Flush the toilet. What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"? Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator. 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this. Cheating on their spouse. What's unique about the Beatle's song "Eleanor Rigby"? The Beatles did not play a single note in the song. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Fun Facts Fact: Elephants can't run, they only walk fast. Fact: Ants outnumber humans 1,000,000 to one and all the ants in the world weigh as much as all the humans. Fact: Everyone dies by loss of oxygen to the brain. Fact: A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. Fact: The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable". Fact: Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar. Fact: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =3D 12,345,678,987,654,321 Fact: If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes; If the person is standing with no horse, the horse died. Fact: "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Fact: Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. Fact: The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. Fact: No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. Fact: The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. Fact: The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1. Fact: Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars. Fact: Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. Fact: Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California. Fact: Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can. Fact: The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Will The True Idiot Please Stand Up Subject: Will the True Idiot please Stand Up 1. Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cypriot huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sunk like a stone and drowned. 2. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. 3. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded. 4. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. 5. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his walkman. 6. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And the last & best....... 7. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Story Of 2 Great Presidents Story of 2 great Presidents.......!!! Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960 The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Here is an interesting one... Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by southerners. Both were succeeded by southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by three names. Both names contain fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And last but not least... A week before Lincoln was shot; he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot; he was with Marilyn Monroe!!!!! -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Children's Letters To God Children's Letters to God: Dear God, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when your on vacation? -Jane Dear God, Are you really invisible or is that a trick? -Lucy Dear God, Is it true my father won't get into Heaven if he uses his bowling Words in the house? -Anita Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look that way or was it an accident? -Norma Dear God, Instead of letting people die, and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now? -Jane Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan Dear God, I went to a wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -Darla Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is our father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. -Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am) Dear God, Why do we go to church on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L. Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce Dear God, If you give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael Dear God, My broher is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha, ha. -Danny Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry Dear God, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M. Dear God, I bet it is hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan Dear God, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. Mickey D. Dear God, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. -Love, Chris Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. -Sincerely, Donna -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Church Bulletins The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy." Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Wise Words From Young Hearts Taken from H. Jackson's Brown Jr's "Wit & Wisdom -- a collection of wise words from young hearts" ********************************************************************** When your mother is mad & asks you "Do I look stupid?", it's best not to answer her. Meghann, age 13 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ You shouldn't stand in a bucket of water and touch an electric fence just because your brother tells you to. Melissa, age 13 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Parents don't get enough appreciation. Susanna, age 17 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ If your mom picks your clothes and you dislike them, tell her they don't fit. Christie, age 12 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Everytime I am at home & I am getting on my parents' nerves, they wish I were at camp. And everytime I am at camp and nothing's bothering them, they miss me. Ashley, age 12 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ My grandmother can say more in a sentence than a college professor can say in an hour and a half. Angela, age 14 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ You should never pick on your sister when she has a baseball bat in her hands. Joel, age 12. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I can remember what flavour of ice-cream cone my grandmother & I shared at Disneyland; but, most of the time, I can't remember what day it is. I guess it depends on what you think is important. Katherine, age 13 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. Parents always catch the second person. Michael, age 10 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ If mom says "no", she means it. If dad says "no", it means maybe. Joseph, age 13 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ It isn't the best thing to dump a bowl of ice-cream over your brother's head -- no matter how mad you are. Laura, age 12 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ When you mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. Morgan, age 11. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Once you've lost your parents' trust, it's hard to earn it back. Kara, age 13 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ One of the greatest feelings in the world is the feeling you get when your little sister shows that she admires you. Dawn, age 14 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Despite all the loving and caring relationships in the world, there is nothing more loving than the feel of my mother's hand on my forehead when I am sick. Rosemary, age 17. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Parents should come with instructions. Shanna, age 14. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ It's not always easy being a kid, but I bet its even harder being an adult. Julie, age 11. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Children Interpret Proverbs A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. - Better to be safe than.....Punch a 5th grader. - Strike While the.....Bug is close. - It's always darkest before.....Daylight Savings time. - Never underestimate the power of.....Termites. - You can lead a horse to water but.....how. - Don't bite the hand that.....looks dirty. - No news is.....impossible. - A miss is as good as a .....Mr. - You can't teach an old dog new.....math. - If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning. - Love all, trust.....me. - The pen is mightier than the .....pigs. - An idle mind is.....The best way to relax. - Where there's smoke there's.....Pollution. - Happy the bride who.....gets all the presents. - A penny saved is.....not much. - Two's company, three's.....the Musketeers. - Don't put off til tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed. - Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose. - None are so blind as.....Helen Keller. - Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded. - If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries. - You get out of something what you.....see pictured on the box. - When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Manager Quotes A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from managers out there. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems.) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only to be used for company business. Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Keystone Kops A woman gets pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball." He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. --- A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car. Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture, of a pair of handcuffs. --- True story from Orange County A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no, he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back, and they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits, and waits, and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on his door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and the wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing the car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: The police car, lights still flashing. --- A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, and the officer found the reason for it. A ten year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said: "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigation work led the officer to the boy's accomplice. Another ten year old boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with sign reading: "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
