3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
131 Adult Jokes
This is page 2 of 14 pages displaying a total of 131 Adult jokes.
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Blind Date Dissappointment A young man took his rather attractive blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna get weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-thirty," said the man at the scale; and he was absolutely right. Attempting to liven up the evening the young man took his date on the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna get weighed," she said. 'I really got a slow one tonight', thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early,and asked,"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Chat Room C-sex THIS WAS OVERHEARD IN A CYBERSEX CHAT ROOM..... WELLHUNG: Hi Babe. What do you look like? HOTBABE: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? WELLHUNG: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny. HOTBABE: I want you.Would you like to do me? WELLHUNG: OK HOTBABE: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. WELLHUNG: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. HOTBABE: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. WELLHUNG: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling. HOTBABE: I'm moaning softly. WELLHUNG: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. HOTBABE: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. WELLHUNG: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry. HOTBABE: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. WELLHUNG: I'll pay for it. HOTBABE: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. WELLHUNG: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? HOTBABE: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. WELLHUNG: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. HOTBABE: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me. WELLHUNG: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! HOTBABE: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear. WELLHUNG: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. HOTBABE: What? WELLHUNG: I'm so sorry. Really. HOTBABE: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. WELLHUNG: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. HOTBABE: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool. WELLHUNG: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! HOTBABE: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties. WELLHUNG: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on your...umm... wait a minute. HOTBABE: What's the matter? WELLHUNG: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. HOTBABE: Are you OK? WELLHUNG: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. HOTBABE: Can I help? WELLHUNG: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? HOTBABE: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. WELLHUNG: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. HOTBABE: Come back to me, lover. WELLHUNG: I'm washing the cup now. HOTBABE: I'm on the bed arching for you. WELLHUNG: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? HOTBABE: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. WELLHUNG: I found it. HOTBABE: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. WELLHUNG: Me too. HOTBABE: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other. WELLHUNG: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses? WELLHUNG: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. HOTBABE: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! WELLHUNG: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. HOTBABE: Hurry back, lover. WELLHUNG: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. HOTBABE: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. WELLHUNG: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! HOTBABE: What's the matter now? WELLHUNG: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. HOTBABE: Mmm, yes. Come on. WELLHUNG: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing. HOTBABE: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! WELLHUNG: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. HOTBABE: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! WELLHUNG: I'm flaccid. HOTBABE: What? WELLHUNG: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. HOTBABE: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face. WELLHUNG: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. HOTBABE: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. WELLHUNG: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. HOTBABE: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. WELLHUNG: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. HOTBABE: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser! WELLHUNG: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! HOTBABE: --logged off-- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cyber Sex Guide -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Coffee Anyone? A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.". . .and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God; I am so sorry!" "That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular," she replied. "Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cherry Abberation There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion. The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin". The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Chastity Belt For The Queen King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave knowing that my queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahad was speechless.... -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Childhood Diseases - Subject: Late night blues. Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Why Chocolate Is Beter Than Sex * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX: 1) You can GET chocolate. 2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers. 11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16) Good chocolate is easy to find. 17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20) With chocolate size doesn't matter. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cinderella ================================================================== Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."Editor's note: Ouch. Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" "I can't remember, exactly ...""Peter Peter, something or other...." ==================================================================== -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cold In The Mountains... Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Honey, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up. After lunch he goes out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man, my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does and again that warms him up. After dinner he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says: "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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