3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
59 Quotes Jokes
This is page 2 of 6 pages displaying a total of 59 Quotes jokes.
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Dictionary Terms For Specific Sexual Cases _*Splintercourse*_: The sexual act in an outdoor setting. (e.g., "I enjoyed having splintercourse with you on the picnic table at the Mile Marker 189 Rest Stop.") _*POTUS Interruptus*_: A sexual encounter prematuraly ended when the Secret Service man assigned to you hollers that Hillary has returned. (POTUS = President of the United States.) _*Feastiality*_: Sexual food fetish. (e.g., "Man, did Kim Basinger have a feastiality problem in 9 1/2 weeks, or what?") _*Nophyllactic*_: A form of birth control. Unlike the prophyllactic's barrier method, the nophyllactic utilizes the word "no" to avoid conception. _*Bromo-sexual*_: Individuals who find sex nauseating. See also: "Women I've dated." _*Wargasm*_: Sexual release which immediately follows a marital fight (e.g., "I'm so sick of waking up every morning to find your bowl of Tosittohhhhhhhhhhhhs!") _*Frommage 'a Trois*_: Literally, this means either "grilled cheese sandwich," or "three-cheese omelette" but it has come to connote two same-sex individuals (the bread) and one opposite sex individual (the cheese). _*Toupalactic*_: A powerful birth control method which is based on the man wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question. \\|// (o o) ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Dilbert's Laws Has anyone ever gone by any of these..........? DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable: if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you've said you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Etemology Things you never knew, and not sure that you want to know: -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The French were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle at Agincourt. The French threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance. The question: What was this body part? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Thank you for the Agincourt "question", which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck the yew! Pluck yew!" Over the years some folk etymologies have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (like 'pleasant mother pheasant plucker', which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative "f", and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." And yew thought yew knew everything. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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More Etemology Sayings and Origins -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= In Baltimore, in the mid 1800's there was a man who sold cadavers to the hospital for research. He stored each corpse in cheap whiskey to ferment them before turning them over to the researchers. He then sold the whiskey to the medical students... thus the term "rot gut." It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon." Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb." In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's." After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles. In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the Navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Female Dictionary A Dictionary for Women Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire." Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Zillion (zil*yen) n The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ... anyway ___________________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Female Oriented Quotes Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese. I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. Age is important only if you're cheese or wine. The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. Can it be a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Gq Test For Men Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your "Guyness" Quotient 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States. b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. What about hugging another male? a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats. 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. c. Tell her what? 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?" 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask directions. 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control. How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Grafitti From a book called, "Wisdom From The Walls," by Kristen Kammerer and Bridget Snyder. They compiled some really great graffiti, and here it is: I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. -Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts. If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. -Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C. If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice. -Smoky Joe's. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" -Rest stop off Interstate 81. West Virginia. Beware of limbo dancers. -On the bottom of the stall door, Women's Restroom, Broad Ripple Brew Pub. Indianapolis, Indiana. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. -Bailey Howe Library, University of Vermont. Burlington, Vermont. Flush twice-It's a long way to the kitchen. -Restroom, Washakie Cafeteria, University of Wyoming. Laramie, Wyoming. God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? -The Irish Times. Washington, D.C. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. -The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. -Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina. At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. -Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. -Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! -Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana. God is dead. Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. God Nietzche is God. The Dead -The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. -Revolution Books. New York, New York. This bubble gum tastes like rubber. Yeah, but it lasts a long time. And it blows great bubbles. -Condom machine. Missoula, Montana. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. -Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas. JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested? -Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C. Just 'cause it's clean don't mean it's fresh. -Port O'John, Acadia National Park, Maine. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! -Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C. Bill Clinton threw up here. -The Oyster Bar. Little Rock, Arkansas. LSD consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality. -Men's restroom, The 400 bar. Minneapolis, Minnesota. I used to be into necrophilia and bestiality . . . but then I realized I was just kicking a dead horse. -The Cellar Restaurant. Blacksburg, Virginia. If it wasn't intended to be eaten, it wouldn't be shaped like a taco. -Nathan's. Washington, D.C. If you can piss this high, join the fire department. -On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon. Don't switch dicks in the middle of a screw. Stick with Nixon in '72. -Nathan's. Washington, D.C. Beauty is only a light switch away. -Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina. Why do drunk men miss the toilet? Why do sober men? -South Main Cafe. Blacksburg, Virginia. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. -Men's restroom Lynagh's. Lexington, Kentucky. Hey Nike, I just did it! -Tastee Diner, Bethesda, Maryland. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." - Lily Tomlin "Education is what's left after you forget everything you've learned." -- Anonymous "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." -- Robert Frost This e-mail will self destruct in 10 seconds. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Great Truths Adults Learn While Aging GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED 1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree. 2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires. 5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due. 6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts. 7. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. 8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. 9. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. 10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. On A Bottle of apple juice: ---------------------------- Plastic bottle Excellent source of vitamin C -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Greeting Cards Greeting Cards Unsuccessfully Marketed by Hallmark 1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy. 2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable. 3. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the tire....I found your cat... Sorry! 4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. 7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me. 8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95. 9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry 10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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