3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
39 Jokes
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Genetic Manipulation From: Georges McIntry, Director of Research and Development Syngenics Corporation To: Ann Moody, Director of sales, Syngenics Corporation RE; Your request for information on research program 167-3, Genetic plasma production. Ms Moody; Pursuant to your request, here is an abbreviated breakdown of our findings about genetic manipulation and the production of bodily fluids for medical use. As you know, there has been an ongoing investigation into the possibility of introducing certain human genetic elements into plant species in order to manufacture chemicals vital to the medical community. To this date our findings are not entirely conclusive. However, the following describes our best guesses as to the commercial feasibility of this project. Our early experiments using hybrid tomato plants to produce blood components have been moderately successful. Our major problem to this date has been the extraction of these components from the vegetable matter after production. Certain procedures involving centrifuges look promising at this time. A more promising experiment has been performed using hydroponically grown hybrid carrots to produce blood plasma. As you can see this would be a very profitable endeavor should it become successful. We have had problems with the combination of the blood plasma produced in this manner with the red blood cells produced in the earlier experiment. To date no surgically suitable blood replacement solution has been formed with this process. The most recent experiment was performed using elements from both earlier attempts. We infused the genetic instructions for both blood plasma and the blood cells into one host organism. Unfortunately this experiment has been a failure. Apparently there really isn't any way to get blood out of a turnip. Sincerely Georges McIntry Director of Research and Development -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Good News And Bad News Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Gray Hair "Gray Hair" A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits. Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Thermometer The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. "Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Another Thermometer Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!" \\|// (o o) ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo---------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Faq For Hmos ~~~ Managed Health Care FAQs ~~~ Q: What does HMO stand for? A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to the concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same. Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A: No. Only those you need. Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors will fall into two basic categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just half a day's drive away. Q: What are pre-existing conditions? A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we seem to be pre- stuck with it. Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? A: Certainly. As long as they don't require any treatment. Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid the bill. What should I do? A: You have two choices: your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms and frog hatcheries. Q: What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs? A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses. Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling? A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus. Q: No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick? A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, then get sick. Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot. Q: My pharmacy only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication and it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A: Poke yourself in the eye. Q: What will change if the government takes over health care? A: Your coverage will have the efficiency of the Post Office and the bedside manner of the Internal Revenue Service. Q: Will health care be any different in the next century? A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Hmo Plans Now Available Presidential cantidate Al Gore was visiting one of his state's top hospitals, and during his tour of the floors he passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God", said the Gore, "that's disgraceful. What is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explained, "I am sorry Mr. Gore, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll become swollen and burst. "Oh, I am so sorry", said the cantidate, "I was unaware that such a medical problem existed." On the same floor they soon passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex. "Oh my God", said Gore, "what's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "same problem, better health plan." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Medical Advice A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better." "Really?!?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it; my maid said hot water." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Medical Note ~~~ Discrete Patience ~~~ An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of paper and a pen. Although a strange request, he complied, and the man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left. The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrass in medical complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor didn't hesitate in obeying the request. Once the couple had left the room, the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. It's contents were thus: "Doctor, your fly is undone!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Medical History ________________________________________________________ 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root. ________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
