3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
19 Seasonal Jokes
This is page 2 of 2 pages displaying a total of 19 Seasonal jokes.
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Firemen In The Nativity Scene In a small southern town there was a nativity scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature puzzled me; The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. I figured the local volunteers had played a little joke. At a quickie mart on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She replied quite firmly yet graciously they were *not* a joke, and if "You darn Yankees ever read the Bible, you'd know why!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She smiled sweetly and pulled her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages. She found a specific page and placed the Bible in front of me, pointing to Matthew Chapter 2, where I read: "...and three wise man came from AFAR." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Can Santa Claus Exist? (from an engineering standpoint) 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -- 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which), of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison -- this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space craft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) will be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion -- If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Santa Is A Woman I think Santa Claus is a woman..... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -with amazing calm -call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possible be a man: -Men can't pack a bag -Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. -Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. -Men don't answer their mail -Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly" -Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them -Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. -Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men..... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But no St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song", it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is... I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Halloween One-liners Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? A. They're afraid of flying off the handle! Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest? A. No body Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining? A. Bone appetit ! Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? A. Dayscare centers Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? A. His ghoul friend. Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? A. Benjamin Frankenstein Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert? A. Ice Scream Q. What's a monster's favorite play? A. Romeo and Ghouliet Q. What do witches put on their hair? A. Scare spray Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? A. Bamboo Q. What's a haunted chicken? A. A poultry-geist Q. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?- A. He has a big D on his pajamas Q. What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster? A. Grandma monster Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb? A. Because he was in need of a light snack Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?- A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster? Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make? A. Boo boos Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? A. Because of his coffin Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies? A. They're good at keeping things under wraps Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat? A. Ghost-Toasties Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? A. A wash and wear wolf Q. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? A. They boo-kle their seatbelts Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? A. Count Duckula Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A. A cereal killer Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? A. Because everyone was a goblin! Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet? A. With a pumpkin patch. Q. What do witches use on their hair? A. Scare spray Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang? A. His other fang. Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween? A: Twick or Tweet Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? A: Tombstones Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? A: It's good for the bones Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? A: White Pillowcases Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? A: Squash Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? A: Their bats flew away Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school? A: Spelling Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor? A: Because he was coffin Q: What does a vampire fear most? A: Tooth decay Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account? A: At a blood bank Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween? A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup Q: Where do mummies go for a swim? A: To the dead sea Q: What is Transylvania? A: Dracula's terror-tory Q: Where does dracula water ski? A: On Lake Erie Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis? A: A blood vessel Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o- lantern by it's circumference? A: Pumpkin Pi Q: Why are there fences around cemetaries? A: Because people are dying to get in. Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts. Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch? A: A BOO-logna sandwich. Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is? A: She looks at her witch-watch. Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost? A: Don't spook until your spooken to. Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? A: An amoeboo! Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night? A: By blood vessels. Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together? A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend! Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? A: He was repossessed. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Why Hanukkah Is Better Than Xmas Top 12 Reasons Why We Like Hanukkah ============================= 12. You can't be nailed to the menorah 11. More elephants in the Hanukkah story 10. No roof damage from reindeer 9. Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones 8. Dance of the Sugar-Plum Rebbe 7. Betting Hanukkah gelt on candle races 6. Yes, Rivka'le, there is no Santa Claus 5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games 4. Fun waxy buildup 3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth 2. Cheer optional 1. No Irving Berlin songs -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Passover Celebration Explanation As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water. Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by. Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them... "Go Filter Fish!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Politically Correct "twas The Night Before Xmas" Politically Correct Night Before Christmas -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves". "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Thanksgiving Day Weather Report Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Last Minute Turkey It's the day before Thanksgiving and the butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the door. "Please let me in," says the man, "I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one. "O-kay," says the butcher. "Let me see what's left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. "That one's too skinny. What else have you got"? says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes then brings the same turkey back out to the man. "Oh no," says the man, "that one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
