3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 2 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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More Things I Didn't Know More things I didn't know 1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles. 2. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. 3. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. 4. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma. 5. American car horns beep in the tone of F. 6. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times. 7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. 8. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television. 9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. 10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. 11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. 12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. 13. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight. 14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class. 15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. 16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA." 17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had. 19. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. 20. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. 21. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. 22. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. 23. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser. 24. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. 25. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. 26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. 27. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public. 28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. 29. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly 30. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T. 31. Pearls melt in vinegar. 32. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. 33. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. 34. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. 35. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. 36. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches. 37. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why. 38. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases 39. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." 40. The second? William Jefferson Clinton -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Naval Lore Naval Lore Every sailing ship had to have cannon for protection. Cannon of the times required round iron cannonballs. The master wanted to store the cannonballs such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around the gun deck. The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small brass plate ("brass monkey") with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust to the "brass monkey," but would rust to an iron one. When temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus it was, quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Only In South Carolina ... This actually happened....it was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it! Only in South Carolina ... Below is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University: This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you", he turned to the bride and said "F--- you", and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guest wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc. This guy has balls the size of church bells. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Outside A Small Macedonian Village (True Story ... with a kicker at the end) Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system, and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant. When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base. And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Pretty Good Idea On What To Do With Junk Snail Mail Pretty good idea on what to do with junk snail mail Here's the deal... Tired of getting all those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd Mortgages, and junk like that? If the answer is, "Yes!" read on. If "no", read on anyway since many of us don't care for banks and credit card companies anyway. As you know, most, if not all of those letters come with a postage "PRE-PAID" envelope. Why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back! Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. Heck, you can send it back empty if you want. Keep 'em guessing that way. Let's turn this into a chain letter! Eventually, the banks will begin getting all their crap back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's l ike to get junk mail, and best of all . . . THEY'RE paying for it! Twice! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Sign, Sign...everywhere A Sign Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away. (Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.) Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. (Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.) Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police. So he left the Bank of America and after waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. (Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.) Idiot # 4 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. (Another sign...though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about!) Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. (Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!) Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. (This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.) Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. (Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!) Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun. The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. (Sign, sign...everywhere a sign) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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So You Had A Bad Day At The Office So You Had a Bad Day at the Office Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana, and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won a contest ( he wasn't thrilled with her for that one) April 1998 Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. No I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were clear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it " up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make things more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon. Brian -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Strange But True Strange but true 1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectualleadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up". 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. 4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!" 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her firstchild?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!" 7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in hispocket. ( hellllllloooooooooo !) 8. THE GRAND FINALE This is a true story! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE..... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Super Granny Super Granny Super Granny Super Granny: Defender of Justice (True Story) An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scum bags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, with glasses, and curly white hair, carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Ah, senior moments! _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Take A Step Back... Take a step Take a step back... Take a stroll with me. . . close your eyes . . . and go back . . . before the Internet . . . before semi-automatics and crack . . . before SEGA or Super Nintendo . . . wayback . . . I'm talking about sitting on the curb, sitting on the stoop, about hide and go seek, Simon Says, Red light - Green light. Lunch boxes with a thermos. Chocolate milk, going home for lunch, penny candy from the store, hopscotch, butterscotch, skates with keys, Jacks, Hula Hoops and sunflower seeds, wax lips and mustaches, Mary Janes, saddle shoes and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom. Running through the sprinkler, circle pins, bobby pins, Mickey Mouse Club, Rocky & Bullwinkle, Kookla, Fran & Ollie, Spin & Marty . . . all in black & white. When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere. Climbing trees, making forts, backyard shows, lemonade stands, Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, staring at clouds, jumping on the bed, pillow fights, ribbon candy, angel hair on the Christmas tree, Jackie Gleason, white gloves, walking to the movie theater, running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Remember that? Not stepping on a crack or you'll break our mother's back . . . paper chains at Christmas, silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington ...the smell of paste in school and Evening in Paris. What about the girl who dotted her "i's" with hearts? The Stroll, popcorn balls, & sock hops. Remember when . . .there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyer) and the only time you wore them at school was for "gym." And the girls had those ugly gym uniforms. When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school. When nobody owned a purebred dog. When a quarter was a decent allowance, When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday and wore high heels. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot! When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed . . and did! When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum. And the prom was in the auditorium and you danced to an orchestra. When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car . . .to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped band aids, dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger. And no one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked. Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a . . . " And playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game. Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger. And? with all our progress .....don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace .... and share it with the children of today... When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat. So send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk....as well as the sound of a reel mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, bowling and visits to the pool....and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that..... -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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