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35 Essays Jokes
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Embarassing Moments The following are the first three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moment's Contest in New Woman Magazine. "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins - and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again." -Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York --------------------------------------------------------------- "It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my feet all day working behind the cosmetics counter. I decided I would find a place to sit for a moment. I spied a tall plastic trash can and plopped down, resting my feet on a cardboard box. I allowed my body to ease into the can. About that time a few customers came to the register to check out, but I couldn't get out of the trash can. I was stuck; I couldn't believe it. The customers came around the counter to help me: - some pulled my arms while others held the can. Then my manager came to the counter, wanting to know what was going on. He said he was going to call the fire department, who blasted in with sirens and lights. My hips had created a vacuum, so they had to cut me out of the trash can with a giant pair of scissors." -Linda Evans; Winter Park, Florida --------------------------------------------------------------- "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go *right now*, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter" -Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Final Exam 1 ~~ Late for Finals! ~~~ It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two-hours long, and standard blue exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except for the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, the last student came up to the front of the lecture hall where the professor was sitting behind the desk, casually reading a book with his feet up on a stool. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late," the professor said, turning the page in his book. The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "Nooooo, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. "Do you KNOW who I AM?" the student asked again, poking his own chest with his finger as he leaned intimidatingly over the table. "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority. The student quickly lifted the stack of completed exams and stuffed his in the middle. "Good!" he said, and walked out of the room. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Final Exam 2 A Supposed True Finals Story This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire? -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Final Exam 3 FINAL EXAMS, 1997 KLUGETRAN P.A.T. HISTORY- Describe the history of the papacy from the origin to present day, concentrating especially but not ex- clusively on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. PSYCHOLOGY- Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and re- pressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses III, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate. MEDICINE- You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work is inspected. You have fifteen (15) minutes. PUBLIC SPEAKING- 2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any language except Latin or Greek. ENGINEERING- The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal Tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision. POLITICAL SCIENCE- There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. EPISTEMOLOGY- Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your reason. PHYSICS- Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics and science. PHILOSOPHY- Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare it with the development of any other kind of thought. BIOLOGY- Create life. Estimate the difference in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effects on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE- Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Flying Don't try this at home... Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have actually turned their dreams into reality. His story is true, though you may find it hard to believe. Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others fly the fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying. Then one day, Larry Walters got an idea. He went down to the local army-navy surplus store and bought a tank of helium and forty-five weather balloons. These were not your brightly colored party balloons, these were heave-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fully inflated. Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in your own back yard. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with helium. Then he packed some sandwiches and drinks and loaded a BB gun, figuring he could pop a few of those balloons when it was time to return to earth. His preparations complete, Larry Walters sat in his chair and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily float back down to terra firma. But things didn't quite work out that way. When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if fired from a cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until he finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At that height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying! So he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss as to how to get down. Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles International Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet with a gun in his lap. (Now there's a conversation I'd have given anything to have heard!) LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the coast begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to sea. At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him. But the rescue team had a hard time getting to him, because the draft from their propeller kept pushing his home-made contraption farther and farther away. Eventually they were able to hover over him and drop a rescue line with which they gradually hauled him back to earth. As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was being led away in handcuffs, a television reported called out, "Mr. Walters, why'd you do it?" Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Folks OLD FOLKS ARE WORTH A FORTUNE Remember old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs. I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentelmen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes most of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, So he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I am really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life? P.S. The Preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age I should be thinking the here after. I told him, oh, I do that all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement. I ask myself now... " What am I here after?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Hikers _____________________________________________________________________ These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips: _____________________________________________________________________ "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call." "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections." "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness." "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands." "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals." "All the mile markers are missing this year." "Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse." "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill." "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests." "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter." "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them." "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals." "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights." "Need more signs to keep area pristine." "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead." "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked." "Too many rocks in the mountains." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Heavenly Sex Scandal SCANDAL IN HIGH PLACES HEAVEN -- Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshiper. The scandal began when a 21 year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was "thrilled to have his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily." Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as the Wise Men. Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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If Life Was Really Backwards "The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Love Letter? Dear Bertha, I lack the bravery and endurance requesite to face you with my feelings, so I am writing this letter to you in the hopes that you can read it. I remember the first time I saw you. I don't know if I was attracted to you because of your radiant personality, your sunny disposition, or your gravitational pull. All I know is that once I got close to you, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't leave. And I think back to some of the trials and tribulations in our relationship. Like that time you tried on that thong bikini you said you would look terrible in. I'm truly impressd by the bravery it took to even try it in light of how right you were. And I know it makes you uncomfortable that I sometimes hang out with your ex, but your cousin and I hardly ever discuss you and when we do, it is always positive. Every day while I am working in the sewage treatment plant, all I can think of is you. When I found that ring I gave to you floating through, I knew it must have been divine intervention that had kept us together so long. When I talk to my friends about you, they all agree, you're "a whole lot of woman." I couldn't have said it better myself. With what I think is probably love, Bryant B. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
