3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
21 Puns Jokes
This is page 2 of 3 pages displaying a total of 21 Puns jokes.
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Mahatma Ghandi Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Missionaries For Dinner Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Paint For The New World Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies. One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint. As a result of this disaster, both crews were... marooned. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Puppy Tails In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail. The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth an retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. "My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Snow White Gets A Camera Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed. "How long before they're ready?" Snow asked the clerk. He informed her it would be at least 6 days, as they had to send it to the Big City to be processed (remember, they didn't have 1-hour processing OR FedEx back then!) After a week, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk told her they were not yet back from the processor. "Come back next week", he said to her. Of course, she returned the following week for her 4x6 glossies, but -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Three Puns Here are three (bad) puns to make you groan! A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble. "Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!" ___________________________________________________________ Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." ___________________________________________________________ A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a "BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him..."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces after him faster...faster...BUMPBUMPBUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks it behind him. The coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP BUMP BUMP on the heals of the terrified man. The man rushes upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door, coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything...all he can find is a box of cough drops which he throws at the coffin...and the coffin stops. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Quasimodo's Replacement After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell." The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless man the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop," but he's a dead ringer for his brother." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Random Word Play (not Exactly Punny, But Funny...) How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How do you get holy water? Boil the Hell out of it. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam!" What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroid's. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quattro sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off. What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? They're hiring. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Robins Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Speedy Snail There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, 'Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.' The Snail was OK about this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!! As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled 'WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!!' -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
