3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
101 Animals Jokes
This is page 2 of 11 pages displaying a total of 101 Animals jokes.
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Cinderella Was Now 75 Years Old. Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy God Mother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years??" The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella is taken aback, over overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for many a year, a long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul. The Fairy God Mother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a beautiful, and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up. When the transformation was complete a man stood before her. A man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close, and into her ear breathed, as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath: "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?" Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy God Mother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years??" The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella is taken aback, over overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for many a year, a long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul. The Fairy God Mother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a beautiful, and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up. When the transformation was complete a man stood before her. A man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close, and into her ear breathed, as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath: "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Here Kitty Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because ....... (BA-DA-BOOM!) ..... he's inside your stupid cat." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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How Many Dogs Does It Take HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB????? AFGHAN: LIGHT BULB? WHAT LIGHT BULB? AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: PUT ALL THE BULBS IN A LITTLE CIRCLE. BEAGLE: LIGHT BULB? LIGHT BULB? THAT THING I ATE WAS A LIGHT BULB? BORDER COLLIE: JUST ONE? AND I'LL REPLACE THE WIRING THAT'S NOT UP TO CODE. CHIHUAHUA: YO QUIERO TACO BULB. COCKER SPANIEL: WHY CHANGE IT? I CAN STILL WEE ON THE CARPET IN THE DARK. DACHSHUND: I CAN'T REACH THE STUPID LAMP! DOBERMAN PINSCHER: WHILE IT'S DARK. I'M GOING TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH. GREYHOUND: IT ISN'T MOVING. WHO CARES? GOLDEN RETRIEVER: THE SUN IS SHINING, THE DAY IS YOUNG, WE'VE GOT OUR WHOLE LIVES AHEAD OF US, AND YOU WORRYING ABOUT A STUPID BURNED-OUT LIGHT BULB? HOUND DOG: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. IRISH WOLFHOUND: CAN SOMEBODY ELSE DO IT? I'VE GOT A HANGOVER. LABRADOR: OH, ME, ME!!! PLEEEEEZE LET ME CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB!! CAN I? CAN I? HUH? HUH? CAN I? MASTIFF: MASTIFFS ARE NOT AFRAID OF THE DARK. MALAMUTE: LET THE BORDER COLLIE DO IT. YOU CAN FEED ME WHILE HE'S BUSY. POINTER: I SEE IT! THERE IT IS! RIGHT THERE! ROTTWEILER: GO AHEAD! MAKE ME! SHIH-TZU: PUH-LEEES, DAHLING. I HAVE SERVANTS FOR THAT KIND OF THING. TOY POODLE: I'LL JUST BLOW IN THE BORDER COLLIE'S EAR AND HE'LL DO IT. BY THE TIME HE FINISHES REWIRING THE HOUSE, MY NAILS WILL BE DRY. CAT: YOU NEED LIGHT TO SEE? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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How To Bathe A Cat How to Bathe a Cat 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close where their claws can find you. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside. Sincerely, A DOG -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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How To Give A Cat A Pill How to give a cat a pill! 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to Avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water Down throat to wash pill down. 14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for vet to make a house call. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Little Tim Was In The Garden Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "I'm sorry, Losing a pet is really one of life's hard lessons." "Yeah, it is," said Tim. The neighbor continued, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Old But True Corporate Wisdom Old but True Corporate Wisdom Lesson Number One A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number Two A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! The morals of this story are: 1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3. ...And when you're in really deep shit, keep your mouth shut. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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One Day A Cat Dies Of Natural Causes One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him how was he doing. The cat replies better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Petrified Parrot PETRIFIED PARROT A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarian's office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room. The vet carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, "I'm sorry, but this bird is dead." The man began to cry, "No! No! That can't be true! I want another opinion." The vet thought a second, then said, "okay," and left for the back office. He returned with a Black Labrador retriever. The Black Lab sniffed and sniffed the bird, finally letting out a low "woof" sound and looking up at the vet. The vet said to the man, "The dog thinks that the bird is dead too." The man said, "I don't believe it! I want another opinion!" The vet then left with the Black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table. The cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged it again and again. Finally, the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird. The vet said, "The cat thinks it's dead too." The man sighed and said, "I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet said, "That will be $600.00." The horrified man said, "Six hundred bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? That's ridiculous! That's outrageous!" The vet then said, "Well, I was going to charge you $50.00, but then I had to include the Lab fees and CAT scan." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Smart Dog..... Smart dog..... A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter) .... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine. Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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