3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
109 Bar Jokes
This is page 2 of 11 pages displaying a total of 109 Bar jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | 10-11 NEXT >>
|
A Man Was Sitting At A Bar Enjoying An Afterwork Cocktail A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an afterwork cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.’ Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’ The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, ‘Paint my house.’ -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
A Rather Attractive Woman Goes Up To The Bar A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to her. When she does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't..." breathes the barman - clearly aroused "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
A Scottish Old-timer Is In A Bar A Scottish old-timer is in a bar, talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Noooooooooo..." Then the old man gestures toward the bar. "Look there at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-Builder? Nooooooooooo..." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooooooooooooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat...!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
A Texan Buys A Round Of Drinks For All In The Bar A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Ten pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised." > -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
A Young Ventriloquist Is Touring A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
An Irishman's Been Drinking At A Pub All Night An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
An Irishman, An Italian, And A Polish Guy Are In A Bar. An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Dave Walks Into A Bar And Sees John Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face Dave says "John what are you so happy for?" "Well, Dave, I gotta tell Ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!." The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!." A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a beer. Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat. "So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. She pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave!!! She had a great BIG dick!!! And Dave, I CAN'T SWIM!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Designated Decoy A police patrol car routinely parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last, being the last car out of the parking lot, he pulled out and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now put the patrol car in gear, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me back to the police station. This equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Drinkin Buddies Drinkin Buddies Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' .....And she's always sound asleep." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | 10-11 NEXT >>
