3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
77 Marriage Jokes
This is page 2 of 8 pages displaying a total of 77 Marriage jokes.
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A Married Couple Is Driving Down The Interstate A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years but now I want a divorce." The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. He then says, " I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than You." Again the wife stays quiet and just speeds up as her anger increases. He says, "I want the house." Again the wife speeds up, and is now doing 70 mph. He says, "I want the kids too, The wife just keeps driving faster and faster. Now she's up to 80 mph. He says, "I want the car, checking account, and all the credit cards too. The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as he says, "Is there anything you want?" The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need!" He asks, "What's that?" The wife replies just before they wall at 90 mph, "'I'VE GOT THE AIRBAG!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Married Couple Was On Holiday In Pakistan A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was frantically screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!! "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!!!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Married Couple Went To The Hospital A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more than the father had ever experienced before. But, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. However, when they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Married Woman Is Having An Affair A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It sure is dark in here, isn't it? "Yes, it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little boy says firmly. The man considers the position he is in for a moment. "Uh, I see. You're right, I do want to buy the ball. How much?" Twenty-five dollars," the little extortionist replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but then shakes his head and complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places him in the closet with her little boy. "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes, it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much this time?" the hiding lover responds. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "What did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear about lizards and candy and preparing a lecture about how valuable the baseball and glove were. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness!" The father hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that shit again," says the priest. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Young Couple Got Married A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Young Couple, Just Married, A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I wear the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "Yep, and that's the way its going to be until your damn attitude changes. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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After The Death Of A Never-married 94 Year Old Woman After the death of a never-married 94 year old woman of his parish, the priest was given a note from her personal belongings. In the woman's handwriting were specific instructions for her funeral service. Along with suggestions for Scripture Readings and music were the following orders: "There will be no male pallbearers. Since they wouldn't take me out when I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead." Another punch line to a similar story said "Please don't let them put "Miss" on my tombstone. I haven't missed as much as they think." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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An Eighty-five-year-old Couple Died In A Car Crash. An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is heaven; you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven." With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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An Elderly Couple Were Celebrating Their 50th Wedding Anniversary An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they first met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife,"Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake? His wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not." So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked, and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen." "You must have been a wild couple when you were young." "Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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An Old Man And Woman Were Married For Years An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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