3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
61 Children Jokes
This is page 2 of 7 pages displaying a total of 61 Children jokes.
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Actual Student's Answers Actual student's answers from Huntsville, Alabama school district Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen). A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U. Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section." A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport. Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. School Quiz -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Anatomy anatomy A teacher is reviewing her class homework assignments. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stands up, shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you. " The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated." Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light. " The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Be Careful What You Say Be careful what you say, especially in the presence of kids: A teacher was working with her pupils, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. One day, she brought in rolls of lifesavers of all flavors. “Children,” she announced, passing out the lifesavers, “I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these and then tell me what they are.” The kids managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, every one of the kids was stumped. “I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time.” Instantly, one of the kids nearly gagged and hollered, “Spit ‘em out, guys! They’re assholes” -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Birds And The Bees Birds and the Bees A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. " I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no tooth fairy' speech. IF you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Blowing Smoke BLOWING SMOKE Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings." The second little boy pipes up, "Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes." The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt." "Really, have you seen it?" reply the boys. The third boy responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear....." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Boy Oh Boy! BOY OH BOY! Joey's teacher send a note home to his mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." Joey's mother wrote back the very next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Chicken Hairs CHICKEN HAIRS A boy and a girl were behind a barn one day. The girl told the boy, "I have to quit eating chicken, because I am growing chicken hair. The boy in disbelief said, "Let me see." So the little girl pulls down her pants and panties and shows the little boy her chicken hair. "You sure do! " the boy says. Then he says, "I have to quit eating chicken because I am growing chicken hair too." The girl says, "Let me see." The boy then pulls down his pants and underwear and the girl says, "It's too late for you, you already have the neck and the gizzards" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Chicken Little Chicken Little One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he probably said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Childbirth In A New Light Childbirth in a new light An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of what he had just witnessed. The little boy said, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Children Understand So Much More Than Us Adults! Children understand so much more than us adults! There was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry." * ************************************ What It Means to Be Adopted Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than the other family members. One child suggested that he was adopted and a little girl said, "I know all about adoptions because I was adopted." "What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child. "It means," said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy." * *********************************** Barney A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants." * ************************* Discouraged? As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile. "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged." "Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet." * *********************************** An Eye Witness Account from New York City On a cold day in December A little boy about 10 years old was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold A lady approached the boy and said, "Little Boy, why are you looking so hard in that window?" "I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand and went into the store and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with a towel. By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, "There. Do you feel more comfortable now?" As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face, with tears in his eyes, answered the question with these words: "Are you God's Wife?" * ****************************** Out of the Mouth of Babes A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear." * ************************************** Even little ones need prayer One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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