3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
50 Redneck Jokes
This is page 2 of 5 pages displaying a total of 50 Redneck jokes.
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Alabama Jokes Alabama Jokes An Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-20. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?" Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Alabama State Lottery? A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama? A: Everyone has the same DNA. Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Birmingham, Alabama burned down? A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. A new law recently passed in Alabama: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister. Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Alabama? A: I-20 and I-10 Two Alabamans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?" Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer. An Alabaman came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry on over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Say, don't you still have them big red trucks?" Q: Why do folks in Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Arkansas Humor Arkansas Redneck Humor Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. ********************************************************************** What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth! ********************************************************************** Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" ********************************************************************** How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead". ********************************************************************** How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck. ********************************************************************** Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools! ********************************************************************** What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary. ********************************************************************** What do they call it in Kentucky? "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous." ********************************************************************** Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?" ********************************************************************** Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. ********************************************************************** Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas? Everyone has the same DNA. ********************************************************************** Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. ********************************************************************** A new law recently passed in Arkansas: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister. ********************************************************************** What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? I-40. ********************************************************************** Two Arkansans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?" ********************************************************************** What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer. ********************************************************************** An Arkansan came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Arkansan say, don't you still have those big red trucks?" ********************************************************************** Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted. ********************************************************************** What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room? A full set of teeth. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Bubba Well, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!" Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on, son! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! Hey, you got you a daughter!" Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says, "Hold on, we still ain't finished!" The doctor then delivered another boy. He said, "Bubba, you just had another boy! But don't worry, 'cause that's it!" So, Bubba and his wife went home with the three children. When they got home, they sat down and began talking. Bubba said, "Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do." Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good thing we didn't use no WD-40! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Cajun Math CAJUN MATH Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. He would be given three questions. The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9. " Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What in the world is that?" Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99." Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Boudreax answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99." The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100. Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, " I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100." The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100." Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Dear Redneck Son Dear Redneck Son; I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down. There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P. S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Drawin' Disability! Drawin' Disability! The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Driving While Stupid Driving While Stupid Two rednecks, Earl and Bubba, were driving down theroad one day drinking a Bud. Earl looks up and says, "Lookiee up thar, Bubba...I see a real po-leese roadblaock..." "Them Pol-eese mans gonna catch us a drinkin." Bubba says. "No sir-ee they won't. You do exlaxly like I says. Finish yer beer, peel the label offa it and put the bottle unda yer seat. Now, stick the label on yer farhead." Earl does exactly as Bubba says. They pull up to the roadblock and stop with the beer labels sticking to the middle of their foreheads. Naturally, the first thing the policeman asks is, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No-siree, says Bubba. "We're on the patch!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Fix It Fix It Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse." Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse looks at it and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!" Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole." Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!" Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!" Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!" Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole." Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW!, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!" Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Free Sex _two Rednecks Went To A Gas Station Free Sex Two rednecks went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex." "Okay," agreed one of the rednecks, "I guess 7." "Sorry, I was thinking of 8." The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "2," said the second redneck. "Sorry, it's three. Come back and try again." As they walked out to their car one redneck said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged." "No it's not" said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Gorilla And Redneck Gorilla and Redneck Poor gorilla. She runs the risk of having retards. A small Alabama Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her." "Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "you gotta give me another week to come up with the $500." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
