3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
60 Doctor Jokes
This is page 2 of 6 pages displaying a total of 60 Doctor jokes.
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A Prostitute Went To Visit A Colleague In The Hospital A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?" The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?" The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?" "Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Woman Goes To Her Doctor A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Woman Went To Her Doctor For A Follow-up A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The woman replied, "On my balls." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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All Drugs Have A Generic Name IN PHARMACOLOGY, ALL DRUGS HAVE A GENERIC NAME. TYLENOL IS ACETAMINOPHEN, ADVIL IS IBUPROFEN, ROGAINE IS MINOXODIL, AND SO ON. THE FDA HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR A GENERIC NAME FOR VIAGRA, AND ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT THEY HAVE SETTLED ON................ MYCOXAFLOPPIN. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Always Be Nice To Your Nurse ................. Always be nice to your Nurse ................. A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for a several minutes he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After inserting the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a DAFFODIL! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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American Doctors American Doctors An American tourist was on a trip to China and was sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his dick, covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days, for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc." The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!" The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor ,figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his dick and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease." The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican doctor! Amellican doctor, always want to opulate. Make more money, that way. No need to to opulate!" Oh thank God!" the man replies. Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeky. Dick fall off by self! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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An 85 Year Old Man To Get A Sperm Count. An 85 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the damn jar open!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Bee In A Vagina BEE IN A VAGINA One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming 'Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina'. The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said 'Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit'. The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said 'OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said 'Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it'. So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, 'I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper'. So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself; he then put his hands on the young ladies breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. 'Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing' he blasted. The doctor, still concentrating, replied 'Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard'. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Beware Of The Knob BEWARE OF THE KNOB A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob". This small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob". Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the beard." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Decisions Decisions Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?" Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife." Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?" Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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