3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
29 Golf Jokes
This is page 2 of 3 pages displaying a total of 29 Golf jokes.
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Ouch! A husband and wife were playing golf together when the man's wife was severely stung by a bee. The husband ran quickly back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor. "Come quickly!" he said. "my wife's been stung by a bee." "Where was she stung?" asked the doctor. "Between the first and second holes." shouted the husband. "Wow," replied the doctor, "she must have a very wide stance!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Splint A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So the doc takes four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Don't Hit The Ball A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Naked Woman On The Golf Course A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past. Our golfer said, "Yes, she ran into the woods". The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through her chasing a naked lady. He said yes, they ran that way through the woods. The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?" The guy explained, "You see, we work at a sanitarium nearby. Every now and then that girl gets away and, all she wants to do is get naked and make love." The golfer then asked, "Well, what's the bucket of sand for???" The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her the last time!!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Pregnant Golf The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Giving Up Sex A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt, says, "OK." And sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." and he makes an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly." and makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Pay To Play There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because of their wives objections, so one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!" The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!" The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife anything!!!" They both looked at him and asked how he managed that! The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?" She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Leprechaun One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Lone Golfer A foursome of golfers watch a lone player play up short of the green they are on. As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out. He almost runs to the tee where the foursome is. He looks at the bewildered players and says: "I say chaps could I play through, I've just heard the wife has had a terrible accident". -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Two Dwarves Playing Golf Two dwarfs were on a golf vacation, and after playing 36 holes on the first day, they hit the local bar. After a few drinks, they decided to pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, was unable to get an erection. His depression was made worse by the fact that from the next room he heard cries of "One, two, three ... uhh!" all night long. On the first tee the next morning, the second dwarf asked the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he cried. "I couldn't even get on the damn bed!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
