3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
30 Lawyers Jokes
This is page 2 of 3 pages displaying a total of 30 Lawyers jokes.
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A Truck Driver Used To Amuse Himself By Running Over Lawyers A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I‘m going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I‘ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn‘t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I‘m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That‘s okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door." ********* What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand. What‘s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Lawyer‘s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. . You‘re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Young Lawyer Was Driving His New Lexus A young lawyer was driving his new Lexus when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He stopped and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," said the lawyer. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man said. "Bring them as well!" said the lawyer. He called his wife and asked her to come over and take the second man's family. They all climbed into the cars. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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An Elderly Spinster Called The Lawyer An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Attorney's A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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I'm Fine Officer I'm fine officer Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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In The True Spirit Of Texas Wisdom..... In the true spirit of Texas wisdom..... A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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It Was One Of The Most Gruesome Cases Ever It was one of the most gruesome cases ever to come before the court in the small town, and if found guilty, the defendant would spend the rest of his life behind bars. The case had not been proceeding well for the defense. Though there was no direct evidence, the circumstantial evidence was quote compelling. The only chance the lawyer had was to cast some doubt in the minds of the jurors. His only hope was to attack the testimony of the medical examiner. Lawyer: "And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you check his pulse"? Doctor: "No." Lawyer: "Did you perform CPR?" Doctor: "No." Lawyer: "Did you do anything to determine if the victim was still alive prior to declaring him dead?" Doctor: "No." Lawyer: "Then, Doctor, isn't it possible that prior to declaring the victim dead that, in fact, he may have been alive and that it was your negligence that caused the death?" Doctor: "Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I suppose he could have been out practicing law." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Johnny Cochran Was Duck Hunting In Montana Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied. "That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer. Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer. "I don't know, and I don't care." "I am Johnny Cochran, a famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street." "Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law.'" "Never heard of it," said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours." Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right. Now it's my turn," said Johnny. "Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Lawyers Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company. What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good. What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo jet full of lawyers do? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands were not met. What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common? They are both extinct. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being. What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? A round of Skeet. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners. What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill. What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller. What's black & brown and looks really good on a lawyer? A Doberman. What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation. What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? The prostitute stops screwing you after you are dead. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect. Where can you find a good lawyer? The nearest cemetery. Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice. Why does California have the most lawyers in the Country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Marriage Made In Heaven... Marriage made in heaven... The couple waits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven. ""Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven? "St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asks the couple, somewhat frightened by St. Peter's reaction. "Come on!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer???" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
