3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 2 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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26 Signs That You (we) Are Growing Up 26 signs that you (WE) are growing up a. Your potted plants stay alive. b. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd. c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'. j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information. s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'. u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni cheese, diet Pepsi Ding Dongs. w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar. z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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30 Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid 30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid * A few clowns short of a circus * A few fries short of a Happy Meal * An experiment in Artificial Stupidity * A few beers short of six-pack * A few peas short of a casserole * Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box * The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead * One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl * One taco short of a combination plate * A few feathers short of a whole duck * All foam, no beer * Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel * Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt * Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear * Couldn't pour water out of a boot with I instructions on the heel * Too much yardage between the goalposts * An intellect rivaled only by garden tools * As smart as bait * Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash * Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair * Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor * Forgot to pay his brain bill * Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels * His belt doesn't go through all the loops * If he had another brain, it would be lonely * No grain in the silo * Proof that evolution can go in reverse * Receiver is off the hook * Several nuts short of a full pouch * He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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33 Reasons Why Men Are Proud 33 REASONS WHY MEN ARE JUSTIFIABLY PROUD OF THEMSELVES!! 1. They know stuff about tanks 2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase 3. They can open all their own jars 4. They can go to the bathroom without a support group 5. They don't have to learn to spell a new last name 6. They can leave a motel bed unmade 7. They can kill their own food 8. They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness 9. Wedding plans take care of themselves 10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be a friend 11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack 12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices 13. Everything on their faces stays the original color 14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough 15. They don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming 16. Car mechanics tell them the truth 17. They can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me." 18. Same work-more pay 19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character 20. They can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift 21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit they just might become lifelong friends 22. Their pals will never trap them with: "So, notice anything different?" 23. They are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors 24. They almost never have a "strap problem" in public 25. They are totally unable to see wrinkles in their clothes 26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades 27. They don't have to shave below the neck 28. A few belches are expected and tolerated 29. Their belly usually hides their big hips 30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons 31. They can do their nails with a pocketknife 32. They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache 33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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38 Rude & Crude Pick-up Lines 38 Rude & Crude Pick-up Lines 1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day. 2. Nice legs...what time do they open? 3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package. 4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? 5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one? 8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth = tonight. 9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me. 10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride = you all day long for a quarter. 11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag. 12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. 13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven? 14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 15. Are those real? 16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. 17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. 18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by = morning. 19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself. 20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. 21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions? 22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom? 23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom = floor. 24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later. 25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? 26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. 27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute. 28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to. 30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking? 31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public. 32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like = pizza? 34. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without = me. 35. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I??? 36. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them. 37. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this = cheap motel room. 38. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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50 Things Cool About Being A Man 50 Things Cool about Being a Man 1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 2. Your orgasms are real. Always. 3. Your last name stays put. 4. The garage is all yours. 5. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. 7. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 10. Same work ... more pay. 11. Wrinkles-add character. 12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. 18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything different?" 19. One mood, ALL the damn time. 20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds. 21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 22. You can open all your own jars. 24. You can go to a public toilet without a support group. 25. You can leave the motel bed unmade. 26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends. 28. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. 30. Everything on your face stays its original color. 31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 32.Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 33. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. > 34. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking ''He must be mad at me. 35. No maxi-pads. 36. You don't mooch off other's desserts. 37. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. > 38. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. 39. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 40. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. > 41. You almost never have strap problems in public. 42. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 43. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 44. You don't have to shave below your neck. 45. Your belly usually hides your big hips. 46. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 47. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. 48. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 49. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on > December 24th, in minutes. 50. The world is your urinal Ten Things men know for sure about women. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have breasts. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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50 Things I Always Wanted To Say At Work 50 Things I Always Wanted To Say At Work 1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it. 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. It's just that I don't care. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of God, but I see the devil sure is busy today! 23. No, my powers can only be used for good. 24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication. 25. Who me? I just wander from room to room 26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? 27. Do I look like a people person? 28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 31. You!... Off my planet! 32. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 34. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 35. Allow me to introduce my selves. 36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1? 44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 47. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks. 49. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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63 Facts On America And Other Things 63 Facts on America and other things you probably already know: 1. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton. 2. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had. 3. A rat can last longer without water than a camel. 4. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. 5. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. 6. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle. 7. A raisin dropped in glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 8. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. 9. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. 10. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why. 11. A 2 x 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2. 12. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sale of Happy Meals. 13. Every person has a unique eye and tongue print. 14. The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red eyes.He was an albino. 15. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled. 16. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance. 17. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily. 18. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son. 19. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister. 20. Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog. 21. Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps. 22. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape. 23. Most lipstick contains fish scales. 24. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. 25. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 26. Dr. Seuss is actually pronounced Seuss such that it sounds like Sue-ice. 27. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine. 29. During the California Gold Rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing. 30. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in First Class. 31. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 32. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000. 33. Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and "lower" because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters. 34. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 35. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple & silver. 36. The numbers "172" can be found on the back of the U.S. five dollar bill, in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial. 37. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before. 38. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. 39. There are 4 cars and 11 light posts on the back of the U.S. ten dollar bill. 40. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. It also took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. 41. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. 42. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm. 43. If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes and 4 pennies, you'd have $1.19. You would also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. 44. The first CD pressed in the U.S. was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA." 45. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white. 46. The original name for butterfly was flutterby. 47. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 48. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. 49. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet. 50. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. 51. Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby Doo. 52. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. 53. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. 54. In Gulliver's Travels, Jonathan Swift described the two moons of Mars,Phobos and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of rotation.He did this more than 100 years before either moon was discovered. 55. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. 56. Sherlock Homes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson". 57. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing. 58. Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokesmodel. 59. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher. 60. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries. 61. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. 62. Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator. 63. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Few New "why Is It's" A Few New "Why Is It's" Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why is what doctors do called "practice"? Why is it rain drops, but snow falls? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Woman's Random Thoughts A Woman's Random Thoughts I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch...do it and you die." The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Actual Country Songs Actual Country songs 25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth "Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 21. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even 20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here 14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back And Cryin' Over You 13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now 11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) 10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You 9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him 8. Please Bypass This Heart 7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat 5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer And the number 1 favorite BG/country song is: 1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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