3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
103 Computers Jokes
This is page 2 of 11 pages displaying a total of 103 Computers jokes.
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Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash Read this aloud--It's Great! Inquiring minds wanted to know, so... Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash; and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! ...WELL!!! That certainly ...um...'clears things up' (...???) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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History History In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife named Dorothy, so he called her Dot. And Dot Com was broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, by many jealous females in the tribe of Com she came to be called the Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dosth thou travel afar from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving our tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between and they will send messages saying what you have for sale and then reply telling you which hath bid the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by your kinsmen at Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and the business was an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent but success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. Many of the young rabbis in the tribe of Com did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horseflies take to camel dung and made many richly rewarded offerings to the public. As a result, they came to be called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Semites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and so dazed by the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who had bought up every drum company in the land. Subsequently, they indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' patented and somewhat expensive drumsticks. Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or "eBay" as it came to be known, he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." Dot replied, it is clear that we are "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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I Hate Chain Letters I hate chain letters Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? "Ooooh, looky-here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!". What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by the Romans in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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I Know It's True... I Know It's True... I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC). Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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If You Receive An E-mail Entitled "badtimes," If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately!!!!!!! DO NOT OPEN IT!!!! Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law’s number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs of infection. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Life Before The Computer Life Before the Computer An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And a floppy disk was something Terribly wrong in your back! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste - you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Masculine Or Feminine Masculine or Feminine A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association, For example: House is feminine "la maison". In English, of course, words are of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer? The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of the men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender (la) because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The group of women; however, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine (le) gender because: 1. In order to get their attention; you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a much better model. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Microsoft Error Notices, Japanese Style: Microsoft error notices, Japanese style: In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry, each only 17 syllables, 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, five in the third... A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. ------------------------ The Web site you seek Can not be located but Countless more exist. ------------------------ Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. ------------------------ ABORTED effort: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. ------------------------ Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. ------------------------ Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. ------------------------ First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies So beautifully. ------------------------ With searching comes loss And the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. ------------------------ The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao-until You bring fresh toner. ------------------------ Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. ------------------------ A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. ------------------------ Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. ------------------------ You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. ------------------------ Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. ------------------------ Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. ------------------------ Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Microsoft Should Make Cars MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE. At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill’s comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ‘Car95’ or ‘CarNT.’ Then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘general car fault’ warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size. 9. The airbag system would say ‘Are you sure?’ before going off. 10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. 12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You’d press the ‘Start’ button to shut off the engine. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Mouse Balls Mouse Balls I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face, but the story is a real memo sent in all seriousness to employees at a computer company. It went to field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers were rolling on the floor. ========== Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or begins to perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Although mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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