3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
110 Political Jokes
This is page 2 of 11 pages displaying a total of 110 Political jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | 10-11 NEXT >>
|
And The Prez. Says:..... And The Prez. Says:..... "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." ...George W. Bush "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." ...George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ...George W. Bush "Public speaking is very easy." ...George W. Bush to reporters "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican" ...George W. Bush " A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." ...George W. Bush "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." ...George W. Bush 9/22/97 "For NASA, space is still a high priority." ...George W. Bush, 9/5/93 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." ...George W. Bush, 9/18/95 "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." ...George W. Bush "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." ...Governor George W. Bush "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ...George W. Bush "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ...George W. Bush -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Apology To People's Republic Of China Apology to People's Republic of China To: President Jiang Zemin The United States of America apologizes to the People's Republic of China for allowing our reconnaissance plane to be hit by your poorly trained, hot-dogging fighter pilot, while flying in international airspace. We're sorry we have to fly surveillance missions to monitor a country that has nuclear missiles pointed at us. We're sorry your pilot didn't follow international standards of fighter intercept protocol. We're sorry his aircraft recognition skills were so poor he didn't realize the EP-3 aircraft was propeller driven and flew his aircraft through its propeller arc, destroying his aircraft and nearly killing 24 American crewmen. We're sorry your fighter pilot's survival training and equipment was so inadequate that he couldn't survive until your poorly trained and equipped navy could find him. We're sorry you violated international law and arrested the crewmen of an aircraft that legally diverted into your airfield under emergency conditions, caused by your pilot's actions. We're sorry you violated international law and boarded a state aircraft. We're sorry the world is now seeing your leaders as the xenophobic, clueless thugs that they really are. We're sorry you are losing so much face over this. We're sorry that you were able to steal missile and nuclear secrets from us, thereby require us to continue to monitor your eccentric and unpredictable military. We're sorry you haven't learned from the Soviet Union's collapse and failed to embrace democracy, freedom and peaceful co-existence with your neighbors. And most of all, we're sorry for the Chinese people who suffer its leaders' foolishness and incompetence. Sincerely, George W. Bush President of the United States -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Best Quote Of The Day: BEST QUOTE OF THE DAY: "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THOSE OLD LADIES IN PALM BEACH CAN PLAY 15 BINGO CARDS SIMULTANEOUSLY - BUT CAN'T PUNCH A BALLOT!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Bill Clinton And His Driver Were Cruising Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The pig was killed. The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. "What happened?" asked the President. "Well," the driver replied "the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked the President. The driver replied: "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Bill Clinton Dies And Is On His Way To Hell Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil. Satan tells Clinton that because Hell is full he'll be replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he1ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell. Door #1 opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich, chained to the wall. He's being worked over slowly with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, "That looks way too painful. I don't think this is for me!" Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a cherry red-hot pair of pliers. "I don't think so," Clinton insists. Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what Monica does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically. "Very well," says Satan, "Monica, you may go." * * * A guy gets shipwrecked on an island and stays there for years surviving on the food and water he can find. After about four years he comes across this pig. Feeling a bit randy and not having had sex in years he approaches the pig with a massive hard on. Suddenly out of nowhere a ferocious dog comes bounding out of the trees and chases the guy away. The next day, feeling even more randy, the guy tries again to fuck the pig only to be deterred by the angry dog. After weeks of this he notices another shipwreck off shore. An hour later a beautiful woman is washed up on the beach. She's got lovely long blonde hair and a gorgeous figure revealed by a torn dress. After nursing her back to health she turns and says to him, "Thank you so much. I am so grateful, I will do anything for you." Seeing an opportunity the guy says, "You mean absolutely anything?" She replies "anything at all" The guy looks over to where the pig is standing and says to the girl "O.K. take that fucking dog for a walk" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Bill Clinton Humor Bill Clinton Humor One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest soup creation, "Clinton Soup," that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year. American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly. Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom. Clinton is doing the work of three men: Curly, Moe and Larry. Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Bill's Box Bill's Box When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it. " In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $974.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed saying, "I am so sorry.. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked in the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was to much and I gave in. But now I need to know, Why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box to remind myself not to do it again. " Hillary was shocked, but thought to herself, " I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering the number of years we have been together... " They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, " So why do you have all that money in the box? " Bill answered. "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Bonus Lines: We Are Going To Miss Willie Bonus Lines: We are going to miss Willie ... Sure we are ... One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year. When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one." If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use? American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly. Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom. Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Brain Cells Brain Cells All babies start out with the same number of raw cells, which over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Engineers". Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Fighter Pilots". A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as. . "Mr. President or Mr. Congressman". -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Bush Bush A husband and wife were watching the news on television: The devastation at the World Trade Center; the videos of different countries around the world crying with Americans over the events of the past few weeks; reporters updating and attempting to analyze political strategy; President Bush making speeches. The wife turns to the husband and says, "I'm so thankful that Bush is our President. He is doing such a wonderful job." The husband turns to the wife and says, "Shut up, Tipper!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | 10-11 NEXT >>
