3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 20 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 | 10-19 20-29 30-39 40-49 50-52 NEXT >>
|
Three Elderly Ladies One afternoon three elderly ladies were sitting around a table enjoying tea. One woman said to the others "you know, sometimes I find myself in frontof the fridge with a jar of mayonaise in my hand, and can't remember if Iam supposed to put it away or make a sandwich" Another woman chimed in saying "you know, I have the same problem.... sometimesI find myself at the stairway landing and can't remember if I'm going upor coming down". The third woman proclaimed "well, I'm glad I don't have your problems - knockon wood" as she rapped her knuckles on the table three times and said "oh!,that must be the door, I'll get it!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
President Clinton And The Presbyterian Minister President Clinton and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served. When the charming flight attendant came around with the trolley, the President ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The flight attendant then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh no, thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol". The President promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the flight attendant and said, "Madam, I didn't know there was a choice." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
Stress Diet I found a diet you might want to try. It is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds constantly! Enjoy!! BREAKFAST 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast, dry 8 oz skimmed milk LUNCH 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie MID AFTERNOON SNACK rest of the Oreos in the package 2 pints of rocky road ice cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream DINNER 2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 milky way candy bars LATE EVENING SNACK Entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer RULES FOR THIS DIET 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as brandy, hot chocolate and Sara Lee cheesecake 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots,Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories--the process of breaking causes calorie leakage. 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies and popsicles. Enjoy :) -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
Two New Organs For Adam One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
Golfers And Mother Nature Two friends went out golfing and their tee shots were horrible. One guy hit it way left, the other way right. They decided that the shots were so bad that they'd just meet up at the hole. So the first guy looks and looks and finally finds his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulls out his 7 iron and starts whacking away. Buttercups are flying everywhere but the ball won't come out. Well, finally Mother Nature gets mad. She came up from the ground and said to the man "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year". The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups. Mother Nature said "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?" The man looked up and said "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
Only Beer Drinkers Would Understand In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held. The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were onhand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together onthe first evening. The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEOof Miller said, "The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!" The president of Budweiser asked for "The King of Beers, makeit a Bud!". Adolph Coors requested a "From mountain spring water,the clearest beer, a Coors if you don't mind." And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best. Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness. "And you sir?" he queried. "I'll have a Coke!" was Guinness's reply. "A Coke??!?" The waiter was shocked. "Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?" Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. "Well," he said, "If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
You Might Be A Redneck If... You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same treeto relieve yourselves. The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle." You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." You pick your teeth from a catalog. You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. You've ever stolen toilet paper. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. You've ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers. There's an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil. You think the Bud Bowl is real. You consider dating second cousins as "playing the field". You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold. You paint your car with house paint. Your dog goes "oink!" You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts. You know how to milk a goat. You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time. Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache. Your dog passes gas and you claim it. Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom. You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it. You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside. You think toilet water is exactly that. Your chili's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop. Turning on your lights involves pulling a string. You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the reception. You have a refrigerator just for beer. Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture. You come back from the dump with more than you took. The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything. You refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year." Your wife owns a camouflage nightie. You have orange road cones in your living room. You can take your bra off while driving. You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment. You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them. You have a tennis ball on your antenna. You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass. Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road." You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much. You did not put the pink plastic flamingos in your front yard as a joke. You rip a loud one and blame your date. You have to dress up the kids to go to Kmart. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. You've ever been too drunk to fish. You wonder how service stations keep their bathrooms so clean. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. Your Fourth of July cookout has ever been ruined because someone got drunk and burned the Spam. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
Divorced Barbie A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95... 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ... and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00." "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?"Dad asked surprised. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken'sdog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
Driving Through Texas Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that f@@@@r would've tried that shit with me!'" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
City Of La High School Math Proficiency Exam Name:________________ Gang:________________ 1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he missed 6 out of 10 shots, and shoots 11 times at each drive-by, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload? 2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $220 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the coke if he doesn't cut it? 3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $63 per trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit? 4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 lb. of heroine to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. How many Chevys will he have to steal to make $600? 6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $1,000 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can Rodney spray with 3 cans of paint? 8. Hector knocked up 4 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the gang has Hector knocked up? -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
<< PREVIOUS 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 | 10-19 20-29 30-39 40-49 50-52 NEXT >>
