3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 20 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Rules For Ushers Top Ten Ways to Be an annoying Usher: 10) Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk. 9) SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here. 8) Two words: "Bathroom Key" 7) Insist on frisking all female guests. Body cavity searches are optional. 6) "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent as you show people to their seats. 5) Urinate in front of each row you are about to open up. Make comments about marking your territory. 4) Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows when time permits. 3) Offer your "services" to all guests. 2) Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for world domination. 1) Insist on a pants-free environment. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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You Know You're Stressed When... YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF... You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up. The Sun is too loud. Trees begin to chase you. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You can see individual air molecules vibrating. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. You can hear mimes. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. Things become "Very Clear." You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!" even though you are the only one in the room. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. Your heart beats in 7/8 time. You and Reality file for divorce. You can skip without a rope. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before. You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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You Know You're A Teacher When... Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out: 1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home? 2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table? 3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends? 4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes? 5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"? 6. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line? 7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your car nice? 8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction? 9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book? 10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything? 11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth? 12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group? ~~~ * If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling. * If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it's *too much* in your soul--you should probably begin thinking about retirement. * If you answered yes to all 12, forget it--you'll *always* be a teacher, retired or not! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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You Know You Work For A Certain Company When... Subject: You know you work in Oil & Gas when.... 1. You sat at the same desk for 3 years and worked for three different companies. 2. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 4. Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um. 5. You have to call home to check the weather. 6. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. 7. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. 8. You learn about your layoff on CNN. 9. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. 10. Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment. 11. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. 12. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets. 13. Your 2 yr old kid knows how to get to your company and to your cube, and it is referred to as daddy's/mommy's room. 14. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive. 15. It's dark when you drive to and from work. 16. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. 17. You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor. 18. A tie is hanging in your cube. 19. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. 20. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home. 21. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. 22. Art involves a white board. 23. You're already late on the assignment you just got. 24. When 100% of your time means 20 hours. 25. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!" 26. All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends. 27. Everyone fights fires (i.e. problems). 28. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube. 29. Plants in your cube are healthier than your plants at home. 30. Your boss's favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you." 31. 10% of the people you work with - no one (boss included) knows what they do. 32. Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January. 33. Change is the norm. 34. Nepotism is encouraged. 35. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube. 36. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. 37. Moving targets are employees, goals, and budgets. 38. You read this entire list and understood al of it. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman TOP 17 FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT 17. "I finished the Oreos." 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!" 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl." 12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7. "Get your *own* ice cream." 6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." 5. "Got milk ?" 4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" 2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water." And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant... 1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger........." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Latest Stock Quotes Today's stock market report: Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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New Microsoft Slogans TOP TEN MICROSOFT NON-MONOPOLISTIC SLOGANS 10) Competition is good. 90% market share is better. 9) We're disappointed that the US government failed to reach a reasonable settlement with Microsoft. We thought that our press release last year about Microsoft buying the US government took care of these little details. 8) We support a free marketplace. So long as our support is visibly branded everywhere, at any price. 7) The Road Ahead: Revised edition, "How to avoid the sink holes." 6) When in doubt, spend gobs of cash on ads in all the major newspapers on a one-day rampage against government. That always beats befriending politicians and bureaucrats. 5) We value our customers. That's why we only charge $75 per question on our toll-free tech support phone lines! (Hey, at least the phone call is free)! 4) Just because our marketing memos effectively caught us with our pants down and our hands in the cookie jar, doesn't mean we can't bully our way out of this mess. 3) We love the idea of competition. That's why we bought a huge chunk of Apple. 2) The US economy depends heavily on Microsoft's ability to release Windows98 on time. Yeah, and that also proves how insignificant and non-monopolistic we are as compared to our software competitors. and finally, 1) No Netscape for you! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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True Headlines 59 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists) ================================================== 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 30. War Dims Hope for Peace 31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy 42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni 54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board 55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies 59. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Fun At Walmart 1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in. 5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!" 6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department. 7. Try on bras over top of your clothes. 8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms. 9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy". 10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. 11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10". 12. Play with the automatic doors. 13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. 14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?" 15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. 16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually. 17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins. 18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. 19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" 20. Put M&M's on layaway. 21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. 25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!" 26. TP as much of the store as possible. 27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. 28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. 29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!" 31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. 33. Take bets on the battle described above. 34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!) 35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. 36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room. 37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible." 38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. 39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. 40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them. 41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 42. Two words: "Marco Polo." 43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. 44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. 45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. 46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them. 47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions. 48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" 49. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. 50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. 51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie." 52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles. 53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. 54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. 55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. 57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." 58. Hold indoor shopping cart races. 59. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 60. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles. 61. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. 62. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 63. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. 64. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" 65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?" 66. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." 67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 68. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it! SEND THIS TO: 0 people: your life will be a living hell 1-5 people: you will turn into a lesbian 5-10 people: your boyfriend/girlfriend will masterbate in front of you. 10-15 people: you will go on a date to the pizza factory with your crush 15-20 people: you will dance the macarena with your crush 20-25 people: you will make out with your crush in a volvo 25+ people: you will SCORE with your crush in a game of football -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Top Ten Reasons The British Lost The Colonies TOP TEN REASONS THE BRITISH LOST THE COLONIES 10. Hard to shoot straight with sissified powdered wig falling in your eyes 9. Wanted to just lose New Jersey but got carried away 8. Colonists on steroids 7. Spent too much time guessing who's gay in the royal family 6. Their diet: tea and crumpets. Our diet: raw squirrel meat and whiskey. 5. Serious problems with snuff abuse 4. Lots of painful poking accidents try-mg to put on those pointy hats of theirs 3. We had Batman 2. Wanted to get first draft choice 1. Uninspiring battle cry: "Let's win this for our swishy inbred monarch!" -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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