3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 21 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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The 40 Top Things You Would Never Hear A Redneck Say The 40 top things you would NEVER hear a Redneck say, no matter how much he's had to drink, no matter how far from the South he's wandered: 40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen. 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrestling's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War. 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than Espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the Arugula and Radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? 12. My fiancee, Bobbie Joe, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 9. Checkmate. 8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 5. I don't have a favorite college team. 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 3. You ALL. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin . And the #1 thing that you would never hear a Redneck say....... 1. "Nope, no more for me, I'm drivin' tonight!" -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Top 10 Signs Your Co-worker Is A Computer Hacker Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker: 10 Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill. 9 She's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running. 8 When asked for her phone number, she gives it in hex. 7 Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 6 Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work. 5 Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net." 4 Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments. 3 His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons. 2 Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President." And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker... 1 You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science! -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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The Top 13 Signs You've Invested In The Wrong Stocks The Top 13 Signs You've Invested in the Wrong Stocks 13 The first and last annual financial statement starts, "Hi from sunny Rio, where your country can't enforce extradition..." 12 While a Price-to-Earnings ratio of 10 is considered good, your stocks have an abnormally high Price-per-Idiot ratio. 11 Your life savings are gone, your shares are worthless, and you have 10 U-Hauls filled with "The Butt Master." 10 Your brokerage firm: Merrill Lynch Mob 9 You keep find your company's stock certificates stuffed in homeless guys' change cups. 8 You put everything into a new frozen desert chain called "I Can't Believe It's Rendered Gristle!" 7 Your stock analyst has alerted your employer to put you on "Death Watch." 6 A few of the board members have made personal calls just to assure stockholders that continued backing of Vinny's Cement Company is a "good" idea. 5 Your broker advises you to take what's left and put it all on 22 Black. 4 Stock certificates are perforated, two-ply, and have faint "Charmin" watermark. 3 You really want to jump out of a window, but you're pretty sure that all those other bodies will break your fall and you'd only end up with a broken leg or back. 2 The emergency share holder meeting takes place out on a very skinny ledge of a very tall building. and Top5's Number 1 Sign You've Invested in the Wrong Stocks... 1 The just-released quarterly report of your major holding was printed on the back of the CEO's suicide note. [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ] -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble From: David Letterman Subject: Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble 10. Sometimes stays in bed ^Ñtil after 6am. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!" 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy." 5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap." 4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks. 3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening." 2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese." 1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Top Ten Suggestions For Guys While Golfing _or_ Taking A Leak In A Public Bathroom Subject: Top Ten Suggestions for Guys While Golfing _OR_ Taking a Leak in a Public Bathroom 10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 9. Form a loose grip. 8. Keep your head down. 7. Avoid a quick backswing. 6. Stay our of the water. 5. Try not to hit anyone. 4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 3. Don't stand directly in front of others. 2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go. 1. Don't take extra strokes. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Top 10 Ways President Clinton Can Distract Attention From The Scandal "Ways President Clinton Can Distract Attention From The Scandal" As presented on the 9/23/97 broadcast of the Late Show 10. Make guest appearance on "Ellen" as "Ricky-the Gay Gabana Boy." 9. Have name of country officially changed to "Spiceworld." 8. Call himself "El Presidente" and ride around the White House on a Donkey. 7. Star in new movie about misunderstood genius, "Good Bill Clinting." 6. Begin State of Union address by announcing, "I am so baked right now, dude!" 5. Appear on CBS special, "Presidential Interns Do the Darndest Things." 4. Release rap album under name "Puff Puffy." 3. During press conference, use fly rod to yank off Sam Donaldson's toupee. 2. Appear on "Jerry Springer" and beat the crap out of Kenneth Starr. 1. Start harassing himself. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Top 10 Reasons For Being ... TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay 2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time 3. You get to eat disgusting food like snails and frogs legs 4. If there's a war you can surrender really early 5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films 6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries 7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star 8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street, humiliating your sense of national pride 9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just piss in the street 10. People think you're a great lover even though you're not TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN 1. You can have a woman president without electing her 2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it 3. You can call Budweiser beer 4. You can be a crook and still hold elected office 5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything 6. If you can breathe you can get a gun 7. You can invent a new public holiday every year 8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care 9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy" 10 You can think you're the greatest nation on earth when you're not at all TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH 1. Two World Wars and One World Cup 2. Warm beer 3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket 4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events 5. Union jack underpants 6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer 7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power 8. Bathing once a week--whether you need to or not 9. Ditto changing underwear 10. Beats being Welsh 11. Or Scottish TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN 1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes 2. Unembarrassed to wear fur 3. No need to worry about tax returns 4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 A.D. 5. Can wear sunglasses inside 6. Political stability 7. Flexible working hours 8. Live near the Pope 9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair 10. Country run by Sicilian murderers TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH 1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes 2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees 3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc. 4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans 5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing 6. Honesty 7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls 8. You get to eat bulls' testicles 9. Gibraltar 10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Built-in sense of pacifism TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN 1. Chicken Madras 2. Lamb Passanda 3. Onion Bhaji 4. Bombay Potato 5. Chicken Tikka Masala 6. Rogan Josh 7. Pappadoms 8. Chicken Dopiaza 9. Meat Poona 10. Kingfisher lager TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH 1. Very funny TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH 1. Guinness 2. 18 children to a family 3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road 4. Pubs never close 5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex using a condom 6. No one can ever remember the night before 7. Kill people you don't agree with 8. Stew 9. More Guinness 10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN 1. It beats being an American 2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground 3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors 4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground 5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? 6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise 7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground 8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge frigging shotguns and cover your house in their skins 9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme 10 Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN 1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bast* that no civilized nation on earth wanted 2. Foster's Lager 3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you 4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket, even though you don't understand the rules either 5. Tact and sensitivity 6. Bondi Beach 7. Other beaches 8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals 9. Drinking cold lager on the beach 10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach TOP TEN REASONS TO BE ISRAELI 1. Get to speak a language no one else in the world can understand. 2. Can party down while crazy Arabs bomb cities. 3. Public transportation 4. Great homesteading opportunities 5. Has the US snookered into believing they are allies 6. Beautiful population of Unibrows 7. Right to carry fully automatic weapons 8. Smelly tourists 9. No restrictive catholic edicts 10. No change lying around -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Top 10 Signs You Work For Intel Top 10 Signs You Work for Intel 10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process. 9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work. 8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. 7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors. 3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. 2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. And, the number one sign you work at Intel... 1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 O'clock. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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The Top 15/7 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife/husband THE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE (original author unknown) * Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) * Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3) * Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses--Exodus 2:16-21) * Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz--Ruth 4:5-10) * Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites--Judges 21:19-25) * Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. [Note: this will cost you.] (Adam--Genesis 2:19-24) * Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob--Genesis 29:15-30) * Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David--1 Samuel 18:27) * Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) (Cain--Genesis 4:16-17) * Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus--Esther 2:3-4) * When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." (Samson--Judges 14:1-3) * Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David--2 Samuel 11) * Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) (Onana and Boaz--Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) * Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon-1 Kings 11:1-3) * A wife?...NOT? (Paul--1 Corinthians 7:32-35) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOP 7 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A HUSBAND (from J. Duin) * Have your husband act like a jerk toward a famous warlord while you secretly show up at the warlord's camp with muleloads of tasty provisions, at which point the warlord falls in love with you, after which point you inform your husband of the whole matter, at which point he has a stroke and dies, and you marry the warlord. * Show up at a threshing floor (if you can find one anywhere outside of Kansas) in the dead of night an uncover the feet of the best-looking guy there. * Go to any old watering hole and start filling the watering jars of the guy with the most camels. * Have your good-looking sister lure someone to marry here but substitute yourself for her on their wedding night. * Hang around barren women and offer to be a concubine for their husbands' need for heirs. * Take a bath naked on your roof preferably in view of some nearby palace. * Make like a prostitute around guys who hear from God that they need to marry you to show the country the nature of their idolatrous ways. (You'll hafta figure out the references yourself...) -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Signs You've Had Enough Of The 90's -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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