3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 21 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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Darla's Doctors Visit A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Garden Of Eden A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Nun's Secret The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Vanity Insanity The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Two Priests On Vacation Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?" "Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Act Of God The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an Act of God!" An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Archaeological Interpretation A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Across the wall of the cave the following symbols were carved, in this order: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find, and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world had come to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey; so they were smart enough to train animals to help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to work with. Even further proof of their intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth whereby the crops didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrew." The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says ........... 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on That Woman!!' -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Typical Jim There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves. The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me. Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?" God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Sunday School Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God almighty!" Shouted Mary and the teacher said, "very good" and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "who is our lord and savior," but, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" Shouted Mary and the teacher said, "very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The teacher fainted. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Mahatma Ghandi Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad breath...He came to be known as a: super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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