3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 23 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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A Man And His Duck There is this man who has a duck for his best friend and pet. This man takes his duck everywhere he goes. The best thing they like to do together is see western movies, they just love them. While walking down the street one day they came across a movie theater that is playing their all time favorite western, so the man decides to go inside and watch the movie, but the woman selling the tickets says "I'm sorry but there are no ducks allowed in the theater". The man was outraged and really wanted to see the movie, so he went around the corner and shoved the duck down his pants then goes into the theater to see the movie. Once in, he gets to his seat and pulls down his Zipper so the duck can watch the movie with him. Along come two girls who sit beside him. A short time later the first girl says to the second girl "This man's Zipper is down" The second girl replies "So what, you've seen one you've seen them all". First Girl "Yeah but this one has eaten my popcorn!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Bungee Jumping In Mexico Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him, Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS A PIŅATA?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Some Things You Just Can't Explain A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Hospital Practical Joke The nurse brought a lunch tray to Norman Cousins, who was in a hospital "laughing his way to wellness." The nurse also brought Mr. Cousins one of those glasses used for urine specimens, saying that when convenient he should put a specimen in the glass, that she'd pick it up when she came back to pick up the tray. Mr. Cousins, seeing some apple juice on the tray, put two and two together, and poured the juice in the specimen glass. The nurse came back. She picked up the specimen, held it up to the light, said, "Mr. Cousins, this looks a little off, the color doesn't seem quite right, are you feeling okay?" Mr. Cousins reached out his hand for the glass and said, "Here, let me look." After looking at it, he said, "Okay, I'll run it through again," then drank it. The nurse fainted... -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Neck Tie A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one, although he does see a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Nursing Home It was time for an elderly gentleman to be put into a nursing home, as his grown children could no longer care for him. After a week, the children went to visit their father at the nursing home. During the visit, the father leaned to the right, and a nurse quickly came over and propped him up with a pillow. A little while later, he leaned to the left, and again a nurse came and propped him up with another pillow. The man's children were amazed at how attentive the home seemed to be, and questioned their father on how he liked it there. He responded, "I've been treated well, but I've got to tell you.... they sure don't want you to fart here. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Asian Man An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. The lady answers, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Perfect Pet A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Train Set A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you fools who want to get off, get off now, cause this the last stop! And all you fools, who are returning and want to get on, get your tails on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!" The mother went into the living room and told her son, " We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language. Two hours later the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again. She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding we ask you to stow your hand luggage in the racks over your head, or under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on this train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." Then the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the witch in the kitchen!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Viagra An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes.!!!!!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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