3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 23 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Rules That Guys Wished Women Knew -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Real Meaning Behind Personal Ad Abreviations Most people have at least once in their lives, read through the singles classified ads. Perhaps wondering what type of person is behind the ad. Maybe some of you have even answered some of them. Well for those of you that have tried to figure out what those descriptions really mean, one of our subscribers has done it for you! The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads: FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN 40-ish.................. 48 Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will Athletic................ Flat-chested Average looking......... Ugly Beautiful............... Pathological liar Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin Educated................ College dropout Emotionally Secure...... Medicated Feminist................ Fat; ball buster Free spirit............. Substance user Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun..................... Annoying Gentle.................. Comatose Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic New-Age................. All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded............. Desperate Outgoing................ Loud Passionate.............. Loud Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic Professional............ Real Witch Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat Romantic................ Looks better by candle light Voluptuous.............. Very Fat Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking Widow................... Nagged first husband to death Young at heart.......... Toothless crone ------------------------------------------------------------------- THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST 40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking............ Arrogant Honest.................. Pathological Liar Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent Mature.................. Until you get to know him Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Women's Compact Instruction Book -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Things To Ponder Over 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges? 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ? 12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites? 14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things? 15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds? 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Secrets For A Happy Marriage My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York. 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake." 8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now! 9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Animals Have The Darndest Thoughts Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl." Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!" Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!" Goldfish: "The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!" Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!" Dog: "Human legs that just tease." Cat: "Why are these people in my house?" Dog: "What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?" Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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You Know You Are A True Redneck IF... 1. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.. 2. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart... 3. If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV... 4. If you thought the Unibomber was a wrestler... 5. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table... 6. If you think a quarter horse is the ride in front of K-Mart... 7. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.. 8. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $1000,000 worth of improvement... 9. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.. 10. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty... 11. if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph... 12. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see... -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Men Fight Back You know all those lists showing how Women are better than Men? Well, the time has come to Men to Fight Back with their own list. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. __________ Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. __________ How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the stove. __________ If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog... he shuts up after you let him in. __________ All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. __________ I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. __________ I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her. __________ What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. __________ Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake. __________ The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust." __________ In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested! __________ My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. __________ Why do men die before their wives? They want to. __________ What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. __________ Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. __________ Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. __________ A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." __________ The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. __________ First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." __________ How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. __________ Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. __________ If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. __________ Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." __________ A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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How To Talk About Men This is a list of how to talk about Men and be Politically Correct: He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST. He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT. He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT. He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION. He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED. He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY. He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS. He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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State Slogans Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ... North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!! -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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