3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 23 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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The Affair An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following: "Father, I am an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long." The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?" The old man said, "I have never been to confession, I'm Jewish." The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?" The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Heavenly The time has come for St. Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteers to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates. "It's no big deal," St. Peter explains. "Sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then send them on to housekeeping to pick up their wings." On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him. "I'm a simple carpenter," says the man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in this world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story." By this time, Jesus is standing with his arms outstretched. There are tears in his eyes, and he embraces the old man. "Father," he cries out, "It's been so long!" The old man squints, stares for a moment, and says, "Pinocchio?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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If Only You Had Looked Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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In The Closet A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It`s dark in here, isn`t it?" "Yes, it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he`s in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It`s dark in here, isn`t it?" the boy starts off. "Yes, it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy`s father says "Hey, son, go get your ball and glove and we`ll play some catch." "I can`t. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS? That`s thievery! I`m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It`s dark in here, isn`t it?" To which the priest exclaims, "Don`t you start that in here." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Three Nuns Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms." "Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them," she replied. The third nun said, "Oh shit." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Final Judgement A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Seattle, they're too wet to burn." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Lenten Humor An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" 'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Fallen There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Work, Sex And Play A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced... for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... A Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Sin Of Lying A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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