3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 24 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Thigns In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!" The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Let's Pretend We're Married A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married." The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" And the woman says, "GOOD .... now go and get your own damn blanket!!!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Gis' A Push This blokes in bed with his missus when there s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that" says his wife so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside. "Eh mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push??" "No, piss off, it's half three. I was in bed" says the man and shuts the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, you are a twat. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to piss off??" So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" and he replies: "I'm over here on the swings." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Speedtrap There was a middle aged guy who bought a Mercedes convertible 2000. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great", he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a State Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "what am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Patrol to catch up with him. The State Patrol officer pulled in behind the Mercedes and the officer walked up to the man. "Sir", he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th". "If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go". The man looked back at the State Patrol and said, "last week my wife ran off with a State Patrol officer, and I thought you were bringing her back!" The State Patrol said, "Have a nice day!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Dieting A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Picnic The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank up. When a rusty old station wagon containing a very tired looking couple and seven screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants. "Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?" Wearily, the driver relied, "Yes they are all mine and it is NO picnic!!!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Soup Bug A passenger on a train visited the dining car and ordered a bowl of soup. When delivered, it had a fly in it and the outraged passenger wrote to the president of the railroad, expressing his dismay and vowing never to ride that railroad again. Then he received a letter from the president, apologizing profusely, vowing that this was an unprecedented occurrence and explaining the steps that had been taken to insure it never happened again. The passenger was almost persuaded until he discovered that the envelope also contained a small slip of paper containing his name and address and the handwritten notation: "Send this jerk the bug letter." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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In The Desert A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert. "Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire need of some water." "Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy one of these fine ties." "What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked. "That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you." The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed. The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir," the doorman said, "But you can't come in here without a tie!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Shoes Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Pinata Some time back, an activity I'm a member of was sponsoring storybook games for children. For my part, I made a huge pinata, of a bear's head. Two miniature padlocks were hung from its ears, and a third in its nose. I then spraypainted the whole thing gold. Another member challenged my creation, saying it didn't represent any children's story. And I replied, "Of course it does! That's 'Goldibear and the Three Locks!'" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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