3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 24 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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30 Ways To Say No I'd love to, but... 1: I have to floss my cat. 2: I've dedicated my life to linguini. 3: I want to spend more time with my blender. 4: The President said he might drop in. 5: the man on television told me to stay tuned. 6: I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 7: I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 8: It's my parakeet's bowling night. 9: It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 10: I'm building a pig from a kit. 11: I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. 12: I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. 13: There's a disturbance in the Force. 14: I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 15: I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. 16: I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 17: I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 18: I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal. 19: I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves. 20: My crayons all melted together. 21: I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 22: I'm in training to be a household pest. 23: I'm getting my overalls overhauled. 24: My patent is pending. 25: I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 26: I'm sandblasting my oven. 27: I'm worried about my vertical hold. 28: I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 29: I'm being deported. 30: The grunion are running. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Kids Things For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX . (poor woman) Things I've learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Boys And Girls Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same. 1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose. 2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there. 3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess. 4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun. 5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages. 6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public. 7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls. 8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches. 9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm. 10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt. 11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy. 12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises. 13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row. 14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked (okay - 11) 11. No one ever steals your chair. 10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 7. So that -with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 6. You want to see if it's like the dream. 5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources. 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. ... And (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked: 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Top 10 Reasons You've Got It Easy In JAIL 10. Every night there's a mint on your pillow. 9. Bars of your cell are rusty from Jacuzzi-steam. 8. Guards meet with you to help plan your escape. 7. They replaced your regular coffee with Folgers crystals. In the resulting riot, ten died. 6. You share a cell with one of Heidi Fleiss' girls. 5. You get frequent flier miles for good behavior. 4. You have a summer cell in the Hamptons. 3. Every day around 4:00 -- pony rides! 2. Other inmates refer to your cell as "Margaritaville." And the #1 sign you've got it easy in jail. . . 1. You call the warden "daddy." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Actual Sentences Found In Patients Hospital CHARTS 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 27. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever SAY 10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one. 6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute. 5. This diamond is way to big. 4. I don't even wanna put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. 3. Wow, it really is 14 inches! 2. Does this make my butt look too small? 1. I'm wrong, you must be right again. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Top 10 Hit Movies In Iraq 10. "You've Got Veil" 9. "There's Sanctions Against Mary" 8. "Honey, I Martyred the Kids" 7. "I Still Know What You Did Last Ramadan" 6. "How Saddam Hussein Got His Chemical Weapons Back" 5. "Kurdz" 4. "Arranged Bride of Chucky" 3. "Patch Saddams" 2. "Turban Cowboy" 1. "The Waterboy" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Old Is When .......... OLD IS WHEN...Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" OLD IS WHEN...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. OLD IS WHEN...A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. OLD IS WHEN...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. OLD IS WHEN...You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. OLD IS WHEN...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police. OLD IS WHEN..."Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. OLD IS WHEN..."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. OLD IS WHEN...An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee! -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Dilbert's Laws Of Work If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To error is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. And lastly, 'responsible management' and "hands-on management' are both oxymorons -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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