3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 24 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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Married Man's Confession A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in! -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Accounting For Lost Time An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself." The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter. "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40." St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Theological Debate Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence............. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus 2. He was bilingual 3. He was always being harassed by the authorities But then there were equally good arguments that..... JESUS WAS BLACK 1. He called everybody "brother" 2. He liked Gospel 3. He couldn't get a fair trial But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS JEWISH 1. He went into His Father's business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS ITALIAN 1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He used olive oil But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN 1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot 3. He started a new religion But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS IRISH 1. He never got married 2. He was always telling stories 3. He loved green pastures But perhaps the most compelling evidence ......... THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN ..... 1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food 2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT 3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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New Bicycle Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Johnny Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a rat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Johnny Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Johnny Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do. Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door. He went home, hid the statue under his bed and wrote this letter: Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The New Priest There was once a newly ordained priest who joined the staff of a large, well-to-do parish. His boss, the senior priest, had been there for many years and was steeped in wisdom. The young priest was very full of himself, having taken a number of prizes for preaching in seminary. He was particularly proud of his efforts in the pulpit. Indeed, he said to his boss one day, "Father, there is not a subject in the world that I could not, at the drop of a hat, find a Biblical text for and then be able to preach a sermon." The senior priest decided to put his young charge to the test. "Well, my boy," he said, "don't you be preparing any sermon for mass next Sunday. Instead, when you get into the pulpit you will find a sealed envelope which I will have put there. Inside the envelope there will be a single sheet of paper on which I will have written a one word topic. I defy you to find any kind of text that will fit." The young priest looked forward to the test with relish. The day came. He ascended the stairs into the pulpit. His boss was squirming with anticipation. The young man opened the envelope, glanced at the sheet of paper on which was written the one word, "CONSTIPATION", and proclaimed: "And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain....." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Television Preacher This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you." The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV. and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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No Peeking A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!" So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again." "Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Grieving Wife Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun... -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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All In The Family A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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It's A Monk's Life In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life to God and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand. He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?" Father Justinian was startled. No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document." He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening. The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian," he called. The sobbing grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time. "Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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