3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 25 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Pinata Some time back, an activity I'm a member of was sponsoring storybook games for children. For my part, I made a huge pinata, of a bear's head. Two miniature padlocks were hung from its ears, and a third in its nose. I then spraypainted the whole thing gold. Another member challenged my creation, saying it didn't represent any children's story. And I replied, "Of course it does! That's 'Goldibear and the Three Locks!'" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Roman Slaves The slave driver of the Roman ship stared down at his slaves and yelled. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight." The mumbling of the happy slaves was interrupted by the bellowing of the slave driver. "The bad news is that the commander's son wants to water ski." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Boots Sam and Bessie have been married for forty years. During those years Sam always wanted to own an expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home. He walks into the kitchen and asks Bessie, "So do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he asks Bessie, "Do you notice anything different?" "What's different, Sam? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down tomorrow." Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? Cause it's looking at my new boots." Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Kids In Hospital Two little kids are in a hospital laying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Death By Chocolate An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Missing Husband The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realize what time it is," she said. He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Twisted History - A Brief History Of Time 3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times. 2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders. 1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries. 1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists. 1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June. 776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day. 525 B.C.-The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do! 410 B.C.-Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card. 404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian. 214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out. 1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year. 79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment. 432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history. 1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning. 1043-Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against. 1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket? 1233-The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years. 1297-The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox. 1433- Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil! 1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431. 1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians. 1497-Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to become the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself ... the United States of Vespuccia! 1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows. 1513-Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it. 1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom. 1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible. 1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith". 1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live. 1642-Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education. 1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom. 1755-Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in. 1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out. 1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost. 1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night. 1773-Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric," noting that no one added cream. 1776-Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old. 1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking. 1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said. 1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine." 1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo. 1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo. 1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over. 1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it. 1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning. 1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money. 1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender. 1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics. 1903- The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there. 1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves. 1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole! 1912-People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back. 1920-The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop! 1924-Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble. 1928- Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages. 1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938. 1933- German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the moustache never came back to finish his work. 1933-Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off. 1934- John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either. 1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born. 1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII. 1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Man Walks Into A Bar A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it." The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same," and the cat says "I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Chinatown Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Bar & Grill." "Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the establishment and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the bar. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Bar & Grill?" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me, is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, "Sem Ting." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Torrential Rain One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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