3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 25 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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15 Pieces Of Advice To Be Passed On To Your DAUGHTERS 1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Things My Mother Taught Me My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" THANKS, MOM ! -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Jokes To Play On Fellow Astronauts Aboard The International Space Station Break the radio and say that while everyone was sleeping there was nuclear battle and everyone is now dead. Look out the window any scream "We're being boarded!!" Uncouple the Japanese section, and as they float away helplessly yell "That's for Pearl Harbour!!..." Use the Canada arm to start punching the Russian space shuttle and then exclaim that "they were asking for it with all their freakin' late-night cooking smells" Flush a crew member out the air lock and tell everyone he was an alien planning to kill everyone and that you saved them from being cocooned! Lock someone outside and tell him you won't let them in until he guesses the right number between 1-million. Then tell him you were only kidding and testing his resilience under pressure, and let him in just before his air runs out. Dump a bottle of Vodka in the Russian's space suit, smash him over the head with his space hat, and as he reels about, point at him and exclaim to everyone: "Hey, look at Euvonnamokinov, he's drunk in space! Lock him in the ejection pod till we return!" Instead of bringing your experiments on board, smuggle in a hooker! When docking the shuttle, start beating the Viking war drum you hid by the controls and yell "RAMMING SPEED" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Doctors Notes On Patients Charts
(ACTUAL NOTES--UNEDITED!): 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1997. 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused an autopsy. 9. The patient has no past history of suicides. 10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead. 27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. 28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. 29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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New Florida State Slogans FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive. FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction. FLORIDA: We count more than you do. FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states. FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed. FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Revote. FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again! FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts... FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us. FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football. FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount! FLORIDA: Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice. FLORIDA: Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida. Sign on I-95: Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, no wait...10 miles. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Martha Stewart's Etiquette Guide For REDNECKS 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets. 5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money. 3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago. 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Twenty Responses To Use With TELEMARKETERS 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . .. " 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?" 5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?" 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?" 9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees. 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up. 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up. 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer. 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. 17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes." 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . .. louder . . . louder . . . 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Name Your Child According To Your PROFESSION Lawyer's daughter: Sue Thief's son: Rob Lawyer's son: Will Doctor 's son: Bill Meteorologist's daughter: Haley Steam shovel operator's son: Doug Hair Stylist's son: Bob Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary Sound stage technician's son: Mike Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank Gambler's daughter: Bette Exercise guru's son: Jim Cattle Thief's son: Russell Painter's son: Art Iron worker's son: Rusty TV show star's daughter: Emmy Movie star's son: Oscar Barber's son: Harry -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Truths About Life I Learned From Bad 80's MOVIES Smart people wear thick glasses, button-down shirts, and slacks. Dumb people wear football uniforms. Everyone in high school was having sex except you and the class valedictorian. Your dog is way smarter than you. France is populated entirely by attractive young women and Gerard Depardieu. Every Southern town has a fat redneck sheriff named "Smokey." Mexico is populated entirely by vacationing frat boys. Parents always come back from vacation a day early. There are no ugly prostitutes. It's only possible to win any sporting event in the last three seconds of the game. Cheerleaders hate having their shirts on. The best way to escape your enemies is to drive on the wrong side of the road. A student who's failing every class can still rig up an elaborate device to to answer his phone when he calls in sick. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Ten Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Using YOUR COMPUTER 1. The monitor is up on blocks 2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them 3. The six front keys have rotted out 4. The RAM slots have Ford truck parts that smell like they were just dipped in gasoline 5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six 6. The password is "Bubba" 7. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU 8. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive 9. The keyboard is painted in camouflage 10. The mouse is referred to as the "critter" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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