3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 26 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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The Magician On The Cruise Ship A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Suit Sale When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The German Visit A man decided to visit his brother who was stationed in Germany. He assumed that most Germans would speak English. But found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched the mans ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. The man simply nodded from time to time to show him that he was interested. When the ticket inspector had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked if he spoke German. "No," he confessed. "Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Escaped Lion A guy is walking along the street when he sees a crowd of people running towards him. He stops one of the runners and asks "What's happening?" "A lion has escaped from the zoo!" is the reply "Oh my God! Which way is it heading" says the guy "Well you don't think we're chasing it do you?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Toilet Paper A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby'skiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Grass At My Home One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two meters tall!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Todays Stock Market Report Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Animal Talk Two horses were sitting at a bar. One horse said to the other, "I am such a wonderful horse. I made $100,000 for my owner racing last year." The second horse replied, "That's nothing! I made $1 million for my owner last year." At that moment, a dog came by and overheard the conversation to which he added, "You both are pathetic. I made $10 million racing for my owner last year." After the dog left, one horse said to the other, "Fancy that! A talking dog!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Frog's Fortune A frog goes to have his fortune told. The fortune teller looks at his little webbed palm and says, "Aha! You're about to meet a beautiful young lady who is going to want to know everything about you." The frog says, "Thanks! I'm going to run right back to the pond so I won't miss her." The fortune teller says, "You won't meet her at the pond. You're going to meet her in her freshman biology class." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Hot Dogs Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat dogs in America?" "I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled. "Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do." They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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