3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 26 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Etiquette Tips For Rednecks REDNECK DRIVING ETIQUETTE Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right-of-way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back some beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Don't remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Don't lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. REDNECK PERSONAL HYGIENE Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours of time. NOTE: It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method. REDNECK DINING OUT Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours. REDNECK ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes. REDNECK DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY) Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago." If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. REDNECK THEATER ETIQUETTE Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. REDNECK WEDDING ETIQUETTE Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. It's not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective, but also a proven fly deterrent. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Also, though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion. REDNECK ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Never take a beer to a job interview, and don't ask if they press charges. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. Always say, "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. Always provide an alibi for family members to the police. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Before And After MARRIAGE BEFORE - You take my breath away. AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating. BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation. AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac. BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever AFTER - Monday Night Football BEFORE - Don't stop. AFTER - Don't start. BEFORE - Is that all you're having? AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, Honey. BEFORE - $60/doz. AFTER - $1.50/stem BEFORE - We agree on everything. AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own? BEFORE - Victoria's Secret AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom BEFORE - Charming and Noble AFTER - Chernobyl BEFORE - Idol AFTER - Idle BEFORE - I love a woman with curves. AFTER - I never said you were fat. BEFORE - He's completely lost without me. AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions? BEFORE - Time stood still. AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere. BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino AFTER - Bagel and instant BEFORE - You look so seductive in black. AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing. BEFORE - Oysters AFTER - Fishsticks BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other. AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you. BEFORE - Passion AFTER - Ration BEFORE - Once upon a time AFTER - The end -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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How Do You Know You Are In CALIFORNIA -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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You Know You Are From Arizona If:
1. You buy salsa by the gallon. 2. Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and l00 paper bags. 3. You think a red light is merely a suggestion. 4. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April. 5. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever. 6. Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los". 7. You think 6 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard. 8. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent. 9. You notice your car overheating before you drive it. 10. Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof. 11. You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny. 12. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. 13. You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Rillito. 14. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink. 15. You can say 115 degrees without fainting. 16. Every other vehicle is a 4x4. 17. You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over l00 degrees. 18. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer. 19. People break out coats when temperature drops below 70 degrees. 20. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car. 21. The pool can be warmer than you are. 22. You can make sun tea instantly. 23. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace. 24. Most homes have more firearms than people. 25. Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?" 26. People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts. 27. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. 28. The AC is on your list of best friends. 29. Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 6:00. 30. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance. 31. You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds. 32. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one. 33. You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Ocotillo", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and "Ajo." 34. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is walking on the streets. 35. You experience third degree burns if you touch any metal part of your car. 36. You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're wearing shorts. 37. Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with "in case of rain......" 38. When someone asks how far you live from a location, it's always in terms of minutes, not miles. 39. Everyone's smiling and talking about the great weather on rainy days. 40. If you haven't worked for Raytheon at some time, you must be a newcomer. 41. You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight savings time. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Top 40 Things You Would Never Hear A Redneck SAY The top 40 things you would NEVER hear a Redneck say, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening: 40. Oh, I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen. 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrestling's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War? 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than Espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the Arugula and Radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? 12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 9. Checkmate. 8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 5. I don't have a favorite college team. 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 3. You ALL. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. And the #1 thing that you would never hear a Redneck say....... 1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say . . . . -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Mothers Of Famous PEOPLE The following are some little known quotes from the mothers of famous people in history: MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!" MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me." ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you." ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years." THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!" PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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How Cold Is IT? +60 Californians put on sweaters. +50 Miami residents turn on the heat. +45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert. +40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming. +35 Italian cars don't start. +32 Water freezes. +30 You plan your vacation in Australia. +25 Ohio water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming. +20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south. +15 French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping with you. +10 You need jumper cables to get the car going. +5 American cars don't start. 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts. -10 German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink. -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist. -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start. -25 Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going. -30 You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start. -40 Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweater. Your car helps you plan your trip south. -50 Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window. -80 Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game. -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. -100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Father When Picking Up His Daughter For A Date: 10) "Now.. show me how you used to spank her." 9) "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I lovedher?" 8) "I just got my license today." 7) "Five bucks says she's a D-cup." 6) "You taught her to swallow, didn't you?" 5) "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?" 4) "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'" 3) "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helpedme mature." 2) "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter." And the number 1 thing NOT to say to a father when picking up his daughter..... 1) "I feel like we both have something in common, she calls MEdaddy too!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Training Courses Now Available For MEN: => 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop => 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge => 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral => 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead => 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CANTell the Difference! => 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away => 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, KeepingIt In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back => 8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore! => 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In => 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that theElectronics Came In => 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink => 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! => 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're Aboutto Run Out of Toilet Paper! => 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis tothe Goodwill => 15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts => 16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won'tWash Themselves => 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! => 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down andTen" Means => 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's => 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't FallUnder the "Action/Adventure" Category => 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote => 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh => 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet => 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed => 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It! => 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty => 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them => 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime => 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn'tMean You Can Fix It -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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