3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 27 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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At The Fair Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Talking Salmon At the end of a long day, all the fisherman had caught was one small, red salmon. He was about to kill it when the salmon shouted, "Wait, I'm much too small!" "Wow, a talking salmon," the fisherman exclaimed, "What's your name?" "Rusty," replied the salmon. "Please throw me back into the sea!" The fisherman did so. About a year later, the man was fishing the same spot when he again caught Rusty! "Amazing," exclaimed the fisherman, "What have you been doing since I last caught you?" "I've been sitting on the wreck of the good ship Titanic writing poetry, it's very inspirational there." The fisherman read some of the poems and was quite impressed. "These should be published," he said. "Have you thought of a title for them?" After some thought the fish said, "I'll call them "Salmon Rusty's Titanic Verses." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Kissing The Model The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said. "I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore. "Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there been?" "Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Chin Chin The Panda Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors. The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ..." "Wait a second, your honour," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help his behaviour that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree." The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Pig Pun A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her piglets. Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and scared the living daylights out of the mother pig. The little hog laughed to see such a plight and the sow jumped over the coon. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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License Renewal When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Would You Re-marry A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you re-marry?" After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship." "If I died and you re-married," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would." "If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would." "If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Three Mice In A Bar Three mice were sitting in a bar bragging about how tough they were. The first mouse downed a shot and said, "I play with mousetraps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose, and as it's closin' on me I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he tossed down another shot. The second mouse downed a shot neat and said, "That's nothin'. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up and snort 'em just for the fun of it." With that he drank another shot. The third mouse tossed down a shot, got up and walked away. The first two mice looked at each other, turned to the third mouse and asked, "Where the heck are you goin'?" On his way out the third mouse turned his head and replied, "I'm goin' home to screw the cat." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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I'm Fine Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule Bessie." Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. "He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Countryside Breakdown A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow. The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field. The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly. "Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied. "Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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