3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 27 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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What Your Car Says About You Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars Acura NSX - I am impotent Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people Chevrolet Chevette - I like people's reactions when I tell them I have a'Vette Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart) Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change laneswhen I pull up behind them Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than noconvertible at all Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280days per year Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above) Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortuneoff the parts Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie Porsche 944 - l am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessibleto me Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic) Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior thanthe Isuzu Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Ten Words That Don't Exist But SHOULD 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the abilityto turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, whenvacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at leasta dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it backdown to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection(lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assumingthis will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuveringfor one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses tobe swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room untilhe finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandlingthe "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one hasto resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurantwhose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they wantfresh ground pepper. 8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phonenumber and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window aftera dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always lettingthe phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even whenyou're only six inches away. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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What's Your Business Sign? Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. 1) MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. 2) SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. 3) TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth. 4) ENGINEERING One of only two signs that you actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome." 5) ACCOUNTING The only other sign that you studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. 6) HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter. 7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager." 8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above - Same sign, different title) 9) CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. 10) CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action. 11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market. 12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter. 13) GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job ... Thus the term "GO POSTAL" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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New Dog Breeds The following breeds are now recognized by the American Kennel Club: Collie & Lhasa Apso Collapso: a dog that folds up for easy transport Spitz & Chow Chow Spitz-Chow: a dog that throws up a lot Pointer & Setter Pointsetter: A traditional Christmas pet Great Pyrenees & Dachshund Pyradachs: A puzzling breed Pekinese & Lhasa Apso Peekaso: An abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel & English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer: A dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever & Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever: The choice of research scientists Newfoundland & Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound: A dog for financial advisors Terrier & Bulldog Terribull: A dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound & Labrador Blabador: A dog that barks incessantly Malamute & Pointer Moot Point: A dog owned by ....oh, well, it doesn't matter Collie & Malamute Commute: A dog that travels to work Deerhound & Terrier Derriere: A dog that is true to the end Bull Terrier & Shitzu Bu....Oh, never mind. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant WIFE 17. "I finished the Oreos" 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!" 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl" 12. "Darned if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that Richard Simmons fella. ' 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!" 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth? 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7. "Get your *own* ice cream." 6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!" 5. "Got milk?" 4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" 2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water." ... and finally ... 1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger....." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Funny DEFINITIONS ADULT A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle BEAUTY PARLOR A place where women curl up and dye CANNIBAL Someone who is fed up with people CHICKENS The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation GOSSIP A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better RAISIN Grape with a sunburn SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction TOMORROW One of the greatest labor saving devices of today YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed WRINKLES Something other people have You have character lines -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Pickup Lines Not For The Faint Of HEART I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long. Nice legs...what time do they open? You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later. Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Top Ten Things Pms Stands FOR 14. Pass My Shotgun 13. Psychotic Mood Shift 12. Pack My Stuff 11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome 10. Perpetual Munching Spree 9. Puffy Mid-Section 8. People Make Me Sick 7. Provide Me with Sweets 6. Pardon My Sobbing 5. Pimples May Surface 4. Pass My Sweatpants 3. Pissy Mood Syndrome 2. Plainly Men Suck And the number one thing PMS Stands for........ Who Cares? I'm not in the mood to play this sh*t anymore!! -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Quick Driver IDENTIFICATION Here are some simple guidelines for helping you determine where a driver comes from: 1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO 2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA 7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY 8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE 9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS 10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA 11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Top Ten Reasons To Become A NURSE 1. Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good. 2. Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms. 3. Needles: It's better to give than to receive. 4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops...eventually. 5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases. 6. Interesting aromas. 7. Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting. 8. Do enough charting to navigate around the world. 9. Celebrate the holidays with all your friends....at work. 10. Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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