3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 28 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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To All The Drunk Women, You Know It's Time TO GO HOME WHEN ... You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room. You've been flashing your boobs at passers by. You mistake a police car for a cab and shout obscenities when it doesn't stop for you. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burger on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating. You start crying. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher. The urge to take all your clothes off, stand on a table and sing "Hopelessly Devoted To You" becomes strangely overwhelming. You've forgotten where you live. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the 60 cigarettes you've smoked. You can't taste the gin in your gin and tonic You think you're in bed but your pillow feels strangely like pizza. You start every conversation with, "Don't take this the wrong way but..." You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it. You challenge the bouncer to an arm wrestling competition You're sitting on the floor. On your own. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to. You decide to audition for 'StarSearch' via the security cameras. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Signs Of The Times Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Letters To Welfare DEPARTMENTS The following are sentences taken from actual letters received by welfaredepartments on applications for support: -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Top 16 Signs Your Swimming Pool Needs CLEANING 16) That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky. 15) Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline. 14) That guy from Sunset Boulevard is REALLY beginning to smell gamey. 13) PH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible. 12) Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first. 11) Skipping rocks across it causes sparks. 10) New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard. 9) Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptablelevels. 8) Luke Skywalker and Yoda appear in search of the sunken X-Wing. 7) The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo. 6) "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom. 5) You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus. 4) Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at poolside. 3) Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man'schest x-ray. 2) You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie. ... and the Number 1 Sign Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning... 1) The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williamsa run for his money. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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What Hallmark Doesn't Print 1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay. 2. My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry! 3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. 6. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don't fret about it, she moved in with me. 7. You totaled your car and can't remember why. Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry? -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Worlds Thinnest Books 21. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - by Ronald Reagan 20. BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno 19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - by John Denver 18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - by Dan Marino 17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton 16. WOMEN I HAVEN'T SEXUALLY HARASSED - by Bill Clinton 15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - by Bill Gates 14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA 3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY 2. THE WORLD'S MOST TALENTED RAP MUSICIANS 1. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Signs Of Menopause 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And you reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson." 5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. 6. You change your underwear after every sneeze. 7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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To Excercise Or Not To EXCERCISE 1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minuteto your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month. 2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 70 and we don't know where she is. 3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing. 6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. 7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country. 11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Actual Statements From Insurance CLAIMS The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarise the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. Some of these are VERY old, in fact I remember my Mother (who used to work for an insurance company) showing me some of these about 20 years ago. I haven't seen them for a long time, so maybe they will be new to you or at least raise a laugh (which is our hope). Enjoy: I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran over him. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Questions Asked Of The Sydney Olympic COMMITTEE Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and some answers that may be appropriate: Q: I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true an if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy) A: (Sure, there's only 8 million of them) Q: I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue? (Germany) A: (More likely brown, considering the effluent...) Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: (Depends on how much beer you've consumed...) Q: I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany) A: (Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.) Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: (Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the Games...) Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: (And accomplish what?) Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: (No, and we use shells for money too) Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal) A: (???) Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: (Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...) Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: (No. Everybody stinks.) Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany) A: (Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...) Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: (Yes. At Christmas.) Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany) A: (Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.) Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) A: (Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.) Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: (What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?) Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: (A blonde?) Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: (Face North and you should be about right) Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: (Another blonde?) Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? Italy) A: (Yes. Outdoors.) -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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