3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 28 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 | 10-19 20-29 30-31 NEXT >>
|
Monastery Of Silence Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you wish, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbott said to him: "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now. You may speak two words." Brother John said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said. "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John." "Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I Quit," said Brother John. "It is probably best," said the Abbott. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
The Baptism A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
Children's Sermon It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
Sinner There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
High Priced Mule A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in- law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper some- thing to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'" The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.' -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
Pet Rooster A Priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it no matter how many times he checked around his Parish. Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass. From the pulpit, he asked loudly, "Anyone got a cock?" All the men inside the Church stood up! "No, I mean, has anyone seen a cock?" All the women inside the Church stood up! "No, no, no...what I mean is...has anyone seen MY cock?" All the nuns stood up! -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
The Better Programmer Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began. They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better." Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus's program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckled, "Jesus saves" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
Dearly Departed A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
Four Catholic Ladies Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'" The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, 'Your Grace.'" The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'" The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee and replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 4", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God!'" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
|
The Missionary A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!! One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurance - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you keep quiet about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
<< PREVIOUS 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 | 10-19 20-29 30-31 NEXT >>
