3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 29 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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How To Know Whether You Are Ready To Have Kids Or Not MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect. PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while. PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Top Ten Reasons For Being French French etc that is. It's only a joke folks, so please don't get upset if your nationality is featured below. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH: 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay 2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time 3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs legs 4. If there's a war you can surrender really early 5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night foreign films on Channel 4 6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries 7. You can be ugly and still be a famous film star 8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride 9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the streets 10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not. ----------------------------------------------------------- TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN: 1. You can have a woman president without electing her 2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it. 3. You can call Budweiser beer 4. You can be a crook and still be a president 5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything 6. If you can breathe you can get a gun 7. You get to be really obese 8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes and nobody cares 9. You get to call everyone you've never met 'buddy' 10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth 10a. When you're not 10b. At all ----------------------------------------------------------- TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH 1. Two world wars and one world cup, doo-dah doo-dah 2. Proper beer 3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket 4. You get to accept defeat gracioulsy in major sporting events 5. Union Jack underpants 6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer 7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power 8. Bathing once a week - whether you need it or not 9. Ditto changing underwear 10. Beats being Welsh 10a. Or Scottish ----------------------------------------------------------- TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN: 1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes 2. Unembarrassed to wear fur 3. No need to worry about tax returns 4. Glorious military history prior to 400 AD 5. Can wear sunglasses inside 6. Political instability 7. Flexible working hours 8. Live near the Pope 9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair 10. Country run by Sicilian murderers ----------------------------------------------------------- TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH 1. Glorious history of killing South Amercian tribes 2. The rest of Europe think Africa begins in the Pyrenees 3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc. 4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans 5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing 6. Honesty 7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls 8. You get to eat bull's testicles 9. Gibraltar 10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War ----------------------------------------------------------- TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. ----------------------------------------------------------- TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN: 1. Chicken madras & cobra lager 2. Lamb Passanda & cobra lager 3. Onion Bhaji & cobra lager 4. Chicken Tikka Massala & cobra lager 5. Rogan Josh & cobra lager 6. Bombay Potato & cobra lager 7. Popadoms & cobra lager 8. Chicken Dopiaz & cobra lager 9. Meat Boona & cobra lager 10. Kingfisher Lager ----------------------------------------------------------- TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH 1. You've got to be kidding, right? ----------------------------------------------------------- TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH: 1. Guinness 2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives 3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road 4. Pubs never close 5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to pursuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on. 6. No one can ever remember the night before 7. Kill people you don't agree with 8. Stew 9. More Guinness 10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence ----------------------------------------------------------- TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN: 1. It beats being American 2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground 3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors 4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground 5. Where esle can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? 6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise. 7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground 8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins 9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme 10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground ----------------------------------------------------------- TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN: 1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilised nation on earth wanted 2. Fosters Lager 3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you. 4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV 5. Tact and sensitivity 6. Bondi Beach 7. Other beaches 8. Liberated attitudes to homosexuals 9. Drinking cold lager on the beach 10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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It's Good To Be A Man Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Same work... more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "Notice anything different?" One mood, ALL the damn time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. If you are 38 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original colour. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me." You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big fat hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Top Ten Independent Political Parties A lot of voters are getting a little bored with the 2-party system. Even the Reform Party and the Libertarian Party aren't making much of a showing this year. Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see in the 2000 Presidential election: 10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle. 9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum. 8. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? 7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya? 6. The Private Party... No comment. 5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this? 4. The Search Party... Looking for members. 3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country. 2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in. And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see: 1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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13 Pickup Lines That Might Get You Killed 1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole? 2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag. 3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning! 4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized? 5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face. 6. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck. 7. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass! 8. If your right leg was Thanksgiving and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays? 9. You remind me of a Championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you! 10. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special. 11. Could I touch your belly button. . . . from the inside? 12. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I=3D 69? 13. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll put my head in. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Greatest Country And Western Songs Of All Time * Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed * Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye * Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure * I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life * I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling * I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart. * I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You * I Wanna Whip Your Cow * I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck * I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy * I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line * If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You * If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will * Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) * My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart * My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him * Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill * She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft * She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart * Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone * They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out * When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In * You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too * You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat * You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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