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Kids Quotes
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were collected from

essays, exams, and class room discussions; most were from fifth-

and sixth-graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that

the "most interesting information comes from children, for they

tell all they know and then stop."



- One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a

horse 500 feet in one second.



- You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how

close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you

got hit, so never mind.



- When they broke open molecules, they found they were

only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms,

they found them stuffed with explosions.



- When people run around and around in circles we say they

are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.



- Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows

how to change back into a sun in the daytime.



- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others

preferred to be oil.



- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them

know we know they're there.



- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the

sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.



- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.

Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget

to put the top on.



- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know

how to do it, and that is the important thing.



- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's

tongue will kill the strongest man.



- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.



- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their

names sound.



- It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people

there have to live other places.



* Our new teacher told us all about fossils. Before she came to our

class, I didn't know what a fossil looked like.



* Pavlov studied the salvation of dogs.



* A molecule is so small that it can't be seen by the naked observer.



* In biology today, we digested a frog.



* To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into you nose until

it drops down into you throat.
BIRDS AND BEASTS



The bird I am going to write about is the Owl. The owl cannot see at all in

the day and is blind as a bat at night. I do not know much about the owl so I

will go on to the Beast which I am going to choose.

It is the Cow. The Cow is a mammal and it is tame. It has six sides:

right, left, fore, back, upper, and below. At the back it has a tail in

which is hanging a bush. With this it sends the flies away so they do not fall in the milk.



The head is for the purpose of growing horns and so the mouth can be

somewhere. They are to butt with. The mouth is to moo with.



Under the cow hangs the milk. It is arranged for milking. When the people

milk the cow the milk comes and there is never any end to the supply. How the

cow does it I have not learned, but it makes more and more.



The man cow is called the ox. It is not a mammal. The cow does not eat much

but what it eats twice it eats twice, so it gets enough. When it is hungry it

moos and when it doesn't say anything it is because its insides is full of

grass.



The cow has a fine sense of smell and you can smell it far away. That is the

reason for the fresh air in the country.


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
Worst Analogies Ever Written In A High School Essay


Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a

high school essay" contest.





He spoke with the wisdom that can only come

from experience, like a guy who went blind

because he looked at a solar eclipse without one

of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes

around the country speaking at high schools about

the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without

one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

(Joseph Romm, Washington)





She caught your eye like one of those pointy

hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors

and would fly up whenever you banged the door

open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)





The little boat gently drifted across the pond

exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell

Beland, Springfield)





McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement

like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul

Sabourin, Silver Spring)





From the attic came an unearthly howl. The

whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when

you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy"

comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley,

Washington)





Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after

a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)





Her eyes were like two brown circles with big

black dots in the center. (Russell Beland,

Springfield)





Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means

to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but

gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken

Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)





Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

(Unknown)





He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)





The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just

like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

(Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)





Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew

that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried

in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

(Russell Beland, Springfield)





Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed

lovers raced across the grassy field toward each

other like two freight trains, one having left

Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the

other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35

mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)





The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the

period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne

Goode, Madison, Ala.)





They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood

with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's

teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)





John and Mary had never met. They were like

two hummingbirds who had also never met.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)





The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like

the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken

backstage during the storm scene in a play.

(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)





His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and

breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer

without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)





The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red

Crayola crayon.




      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
And You Thought You Were Having A Bad Day
And You Thought YOU Were Having a Bad Day



Some people don't just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. The bed

falls on 'em.



Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you

don't believe it, consider these weird deaths and events:



* A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a

river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window,

climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.



* Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the

dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on

passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.



* Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so

afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to

cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused

Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured

skull.



* George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly

escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one

wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene

to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him,

killing him.



* Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo

Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand

threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not

to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the

gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.



* In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in

her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched,

she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.



* A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay

back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend

he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled

forward and crushed him to death.



* Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled

out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and

found himself in the city prison.



* In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing

the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and

flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay

stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the

gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine

the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd,

leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more

battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd

wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the

space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken

pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials

said he would recover.



* While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti

came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming

down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat,

which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later

a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by

a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing,

the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be

trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head.

In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began

scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to

this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into

the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his

car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify

the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and

his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies

were still trying to sort out the claims.



* Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision

in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding

his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the

moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they

smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head

injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.



* In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged

eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four

years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that

started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they

stood waiting for a train.



* Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant

nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an

elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When

his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a

neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses,

seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the

room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her

stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she

dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of

manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.



* An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday

Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she

remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed

downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the

door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and

leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his

knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later

she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the

sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from

the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman,

"I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and

departed.


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
Firm Grasp Of The Obvious Department
Firm Grasp of the Obvious Department

From the Notebook pages of The New Republic 1995:

--------------------------------------------------------



Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link

Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995



Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us

Holland Sentinal, date unknown.



Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut

The New York Times, November 22



Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find

The Los Angeles Times, November 2



'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories

Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30



Alcohol ads promote drinking

The Hartford Courant, November 18



Malls try to attract shoppers

The Baltimore Sun, October 22



Official: Only rain will cure drought

The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts



Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men

The Sunday Oregonian, September 24



Low Wages Said Key to Poverty

Newsday, July 11



Man shoots neighbor with machete

The Miami Herald, July 3



Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes

The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30



Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows

The New York Times, March 10



Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies

The Los Angeles Times, March 2



Scientists see quakes in L.A. future

The Oregonian, January 28



Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning

The Buffalo News, February 26



Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold

Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26



Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer

Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25



Economist uses theory to explain economy

Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8



Bible church's focus is the Bible

Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994



Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons

Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6



Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity

The Chicago Tribune, March 5



Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear

Journal of Commerce, April 20



Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person

The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2



Lack of brains hinders research

The Columbus Dispatch, April 16



How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author

Louise Hart

Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5



Fish lurk in streams

Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
"darwin Award" Nominee
Darwin Award" Nominee





You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the

person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves

in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which

toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out

of it.



And this year's nominee is:



The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded

into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.

The wreckage resembled the site of an

airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at

the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had

happened.



It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted

Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy

military transport planes an extra "push" for

taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into

the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached

the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up

some speed and fired off the JATO!



The facts as best as coould be determined are that the operator of the

1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles

from the crash site. This was established by

the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if

operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds,

causing the Chevy to reach speeds

well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional

20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have

experienced G-forces usually reserved for

dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him

to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the

automobile remained on the straight highway

for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and

completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber

marks on the road surface, then becoming

airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a

height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.



Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small

fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and

fingernail and bone shards were removed from a

piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.



From Tony in North Hollywood


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
Stupid Criminal Hall Of Shame
*****************************************************************



Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame





Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine

by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their

pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the

machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,

they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached

to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With

their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.



South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a

bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it

was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him

be arrested immediately.



Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and

demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him

the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.



England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up

at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,

the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a

"handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate

his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics

was found in the golf bag.



Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for

Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-

old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2

years in jail.



Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600

in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he

provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.



(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,

announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his

head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.



(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours

and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While

it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was

located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of

himself stealing the camera.)



(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement

through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in

the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the

money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window

through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly.

So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...



Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal

a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a

refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup.

The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons

decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more*

walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house,

and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked

the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.



(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill

on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the

cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash

in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man

took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill

on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the

drawer? Fifteen dollars.


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
Bible Stories When They Are Retold By Young Scholars
[The bloopers found below are said to be written by actual

students and are "genuine, authentic, and unretouched." They were

compiled by Richard Lederer, and appear in the 12/31/95 edition

of "National Review" magazine.]



It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they

are retold by young scholars around the world:







In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of

creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve

were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of

Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by

night.



The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had

trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman

who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson

slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.



Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened

bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians

were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on

Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was

when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to

humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt

not admit adultery.



Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the

Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the

Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed

him.



David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought

with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical

times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700

porcupines.



Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others

before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live

by sweat alone."



The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The

epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was

St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.



St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,

which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only

one wife. This is called monotony.


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
Poor Guy.
Newspaper Clip

--------------------

"Response to a wildfire on the south of France's Cote d'Azur was billed

as a marvel of modern of modern fire-fighting technology. Two

specially-built flying boats zoomed in, skimmed the waters of the

Mediterranean, scooping vast amounts of water into their belly tanks,

and then dropped the water on the hillside fire. All was jolly and the

wine flowed freely until a body was found in the ashes.



"The coroner found that the gentleman had apparently fallen from a

great height, suffering serious injuries before being burned to death.

The report further noted that the victim was wearing a bathing suit,

snorkel, and swim fins."


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
Actual Headlines, Ripped From Today's Papers!
Actual Headlines, Ripped from Today's Papers!



- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

- Farmer Bill Dies in House

- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

- Stud Tires Out

- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

- Eye Drops off Shelf

- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

- Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

- Miners Refuse to Work after Death

- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

- Stolen Painting Found by Tree

- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

- Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 =

Years

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000

- `84 War Dims Hope for Peace

- If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

- Deer Kill 17,000

- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

- Air Head Fired

- Steals Clock, Faces Time

- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

- Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

- Include your Children when Baking Cookies


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
Dubious Acheivement Awards -- British Division
DUBIOUS ACHEIVEMENT AWARDS -- BRITISH DIVISION



The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals)

for dubious distinctions.



Tortoise Trophy



To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in

the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include

trains arriving within one hour of schedule.



Rubber Cushion



To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream

and glued his buttocks together.



Crimewatch Cup



Gold star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a

stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large

capital letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court: "My

client is not a very bright young man."



Silver star: To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb

threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that

he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.



Bronze star: To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van

with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.



British Cup



To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria,

who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in

oral sex and then moved on to intercourse ... but complained when the

pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.



Flying Cross



To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft,

having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately

eaten by a cat. Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his

remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first

to third place.



Lazarus Laurel



To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered round her coffin in

a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell

was going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs.

Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.



Silver Bullet



To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an

overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)

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Scott Young, President and Head Instructor Bar Smart Inc.