3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
37 Work Jokes
This is page 3 of 4 pages displaying a total of 37 Work jokes.
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New Job A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that, then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife. She said "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied "I'm go too". "Why?" She asked. He said "I want to see how you you are going to live on $800.00 a year". -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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New Bathroom Policy Unveiled In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated. Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period. If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken. The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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How Shit Originally Hapens In the beginning, there was the plan. And then came the assumptions. And the assumptions were without form. And the plan was completely without substance. The employees told their supervisors: "It's a crock of shit and it stinks!" The supervisors then told the department heads: "It's a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odor." The deaprtment heads then told the managers: "It's a container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may smell it." The managers then told the director: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength." The director then told the VP: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." The VP told the Executive-VP: "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful." The Executive-VP told the President: "It is very strong and will promote growth and efficiency of the system." And the President reviewed the plan, and said: "This is good." And the plan became policy. And this is how shit happens. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Another Job Interview There was this man who was in a horrible accident,and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided that with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out. Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said, "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!" ___________________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Office Diet How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing Much Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume. Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300 Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100 Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300 Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75 Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200 Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25 Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25 Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750 Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75 Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160 Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50 Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300 Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90 Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25 Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350 Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6 Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Newly Promoted Employee The Promotion -=-=-=-=-=-=-= The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Office Machines ~~~ How to Impress the Big Boss: ~~~ A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of the company shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is very important, and my secretary's already left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I'll just need one copy." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Paint Job One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house answers. "Pardon me Mam, I'm out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done; I'm very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting..." "Painting?" the woman jumped in. "Oh, yes, Mam! I'm a very careful painter." the man replied, his face brightening at the realization she could provide him some work. "I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out back with, but we haven't had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him. Now do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I'll pay you an extra bonus." "Oh yes, Mam, I'll do an excellent job!" He was told the paints were also around back in the garage. A few hours later, the man returns to the door. "That was quick, did you do a good job?" the woman inquires. "Oh yes Mam, two coats! But there's something you should know," the man says confidently, "that's not a Porche, that's a Mercedes!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Salty Tale A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off" "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Professional "shit" Happens SHIT HAPPENS in various professions ---------------------- Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case... Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe. Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen. Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen. Engineer: I hope this shit holds together. Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!! Damn this shit smells... Biologist: Is this shit alive? Botanist: What this daisy needs is some fresh shit. Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit. Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828... CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oh SHIT! Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit. Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please... Acupuncturist: Hold still or it will hurt like shit. Let all that shit go. This will really get the energy shit moving. Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go? Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness. Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles. Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen... Historian: The same shit happens again and again. Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected. If you elect me, shit will never again happen. Shit happening is bad for the economy. My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit. Waitress: You want fries with that shit? Teacher: Repeat after me: one shit + one shit = A Professor: Let's see how crazy they'll be neck-deep in my shit. Hey! I've got tenure! I don't give a shit about students. Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take. Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up? Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a male bovine) Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough. Marketing: This shit could sell, if only it came in different colors. IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms. Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit. Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike. Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out. NYC Cab Driver: Oops, looks like I hit that shit... Mechanic: Shit... this will cost a lot, mister. Chef: It needs some more of this green shit. Musician: This shit is out of tune. Artist: If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit. Shit, I wish I'd thought of that. Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit. Poet: My childhood was shit -- let me share. Ode to a Grecian Shit. My love is like a red, red shit. ... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit... Developer: Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance programmers. ============================================================================== -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
