3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
59 Sexes Jokes
This is page 3 of 6 pages displaying a total of 59 Sexes jokes.
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Cucumbers Are Better Than Men... Why a cucumber is better than a man - the average cucumber is at least seven inches long - cucumbers stay hard for a week - a cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count - cucumbers don't get too excited - a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety - cucumbers are easy to pick up - you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket - ... and you know how firm it is before you take it home - you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it - no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too - you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle - cucumbers can get away any weekend - with a cucumber you can get a single room - ... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber - a cucumber will always respect you in the morning - you can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie - at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat - a cucumber can alwsays wait until you get home - a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds - a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival - a cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?" - cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin - cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin - cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin - with cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once - cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall - cucumbers don't have sex hangups - cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with your boots on - cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts - cucumbers never need a round of applause - cucumbers won't ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times? - cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis instructors - a cucumber won't want to join your support group - a cucumber never wants to improve your mind - cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations - cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one - a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator - a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over - no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber - cucumbers can handle rejection - a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache - a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is - a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet - with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry - cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow - cucumbers won't give you a hickey - cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot - Afterwards, a cucumber won't: want to shake hands and be friends say, "I'll call you a cab." tell you he's not the marrying kind tell you he is the marrying kind call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist take you to confesion - cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month - a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore - cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him - a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away - a cucumber won't work your crossword with ink - a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat - with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season - cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car - a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors - a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library - cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest - a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray - cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor - cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub - a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet - a cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower - with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it - cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold - cucumbers can't count to "10" - cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair - a cucumber will never leave you for another woman for another man for another cucumber - a cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him - a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt - you always know where YOUR cucumber has been - you won't find out later that your cucumber: is married is on penicillin or has AIDS likes you, but loves your brother - a cucumber never has to call "the wife" -cucumbers never have mid-life crisis - a cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move - cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation - cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do - a cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party - you don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber - a cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve - a cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde - cucumbers never want to take you home to mom - a cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family - a cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school - a cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually - cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers - a cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy." - a cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, jewish, or orthodox vegetarian - it's easy to drop a cucumber - a cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Fiftieth Anniversary A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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How To Talk About Men And Still Be "pc" HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT... He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY. He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Thegood Deed "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Good Girls And Bad Girls Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better. Good girls wear white cotton panties. Bad girls don't wear any. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it. Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed. Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex. Bad girls think no place is the wrong place. Good girls prefer the missionary postition. Bad girls do too, but only for starters. Good girls say 'no'. Bad girls say 'when?' -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Guessing His Age ___________________________________________________ One day in a resting home an old lady and an old man were sitting at the coffee table talking. Out of no where the lady said, 'I bet I can guess your age.' The old man replied, 'No you can't. If you can, go for it.' So the lady said, 'OK, take off your pants... now turn around...' She checks him and continues,'Ok turn back around, you're 84 years old.' The old man in shock, says, 'how did you know?' The lady replies, 'You told me yesterday.' -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Ken Vs Barbie From Barbie to Santa: Dear Santa, Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa. 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man... maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done. 6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec! 8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it. Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple. Yours truly, Barbie ********************************************** Ken's Letter To Santa Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of my issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken." These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in actions to be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night in bed. Sincerely, Ken _____________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Male Bashing "Some (well-deserved) Male Bashing" Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones. (A personal favorite) What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them. Why are men like commercials? You can't believe a word they say. Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay. Why are women so bad at mathematics? Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches. What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble finding a bar. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex. What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off. What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men. How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes. How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them. What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby. What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them. Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married. What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? An insurance company. Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have any. Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brains. What's easier to make: a snowman or a snow-woman? A snow-woman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles. What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? Castrated. What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them. Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it. Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Men will screw anything. What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Magical Mermaid Granting Wishes There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." "The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else... a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done!" And he became a woman. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Men And Women Pt1 What a woman says: -=-=-=-= This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now! What a man hears: -=-=-=-= blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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