3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
131 Adult Jokes
This is page 3 of 14 pages displaying a total of 131 Adult jokes.
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Costume Party This bloke decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts: "Theme party- come as a human emotion". On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink". A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party". A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two black Jamaican guys, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do you think you look like, you could get arrested for standing like that out there in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies (in a strong West Indian accent), "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend here has come in despair." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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College Fatigue Questions The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for eing late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Condom Jokes CONDOM HUMOUR A fellow walks into the pharmacy and ask to purchase some condoms. "What size package would you like?" "Oh, I get to choose? What do you have?" "Well we have a six-pack, a nine-pack and a twelve-pack." "Why so many different ones?" "Well the six-pack is very popular with our customers of the Jewish persuasion." "Why is that?" "Evidently, once a night, except the sabbath." "How about the nine-pack?" "That is very popular with our customers of the black & latino persuasion. Once a night and twice on weekends." "How about the twelve-pack." "That is very popular with our customers of the white persuasion...January, February, March...you know, once a month." ----------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" "I did." "And...where did he go?" "Over to your house..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do cowboys use denim condoms? Because they shrink to fit. Did you hear of the new reusable rubbers? You turn them inside out and shake the f*** out of 'em. Written on a condom vending machine: These chewing gums don't taste too good!!! Written on another one of the condom vending machines: For refund, insert baby. ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels.", at which point he fainted. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life. A hooker picks him up and they go to a cheap motel for the night. As they are about to go to bed, she hands him a condom and asks him to put it on. He looks very confused, so she demonstrates on her forefinger. They are well into their lovemaking when she suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the light and asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?" He replies, "Sure am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it." "What do you want?" "Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..." "What do you want?" "I need some protection, alright??!?!" "What size?" "Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess." "That'll be $2.35 including tax." "Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Italian Wedding Night ________________________________________________________________ Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Sex With Dwarves Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depressionis enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get it up, if you know what I mean." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even jump up on the bed!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Dynamite -------------------------------------- A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms, and says "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, and strikes a musclebuilders pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Pay Your Debts A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over. " Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Extra Income A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems. A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried "That's too much!" He then asked "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung. She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?" \\\\|//// (o o) ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo--------------------------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Fairy Tale A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. (So, how is this different than any other time in a man's life?) Anyway, as he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?" ============================= -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Fireman Sex A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks." "From now on," he said, 'we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night." The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3", and they began to screw. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!" "What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks. "More hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!' -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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