3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
59 Quotes Jokes
This is page 3 of 6 pages displaying a total of 59 Quotes jokes.
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Guide For Cynics 1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. 2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. 3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. 4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. 5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. 6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. 9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the"What-ever-the-thing- in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is". 10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. 11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car! 12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. 13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over. 14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. 15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery. 16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. 17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Ponder This! Things that make you say HMMMMMM -Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? -It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins. -Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. -One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. -Atheism is a nonprophet organization. -If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? -The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent. -Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. -Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? -On the other hand, you have different fingers. -Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer. -I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. -If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Quotes From Hollywood Squares PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES" According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why? PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't? PAUL LYNDE: They give milk... and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant? When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them. CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why? PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Do female frogs croak? PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake. Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes? PAUL LYNDE: Yes, it sleeps four. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas. PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons? PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy? PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some? Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit? JOAN RIVERS: Yes. It's daddy's turn. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Irony 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. 2. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded. 3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. 4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his Walkman. 5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And the last and best . . . . . 6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Man Complains About His Wife My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife has a black belt in shopping. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!" My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree! She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No," they said, "jump in!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Male Bashing One-liners Q. How do you scare a man? A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. Q. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? A. At the circus the clowns don't talk. Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q. What food best describes most men? A. Jerky. Q. Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? A. Women working at 900 numbers. Q. How is a man like a used car? A. Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable. Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover, and a stimulating partner? A. In the pages of a romance novel. Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women? A. Exchange him. Q. Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? A. No phone numbers. Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites attract. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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More Bashing 1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear. 2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl. 3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the butts. 4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday. 5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie. 6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day. 7. Please don't drive when you're not driving. 8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. 9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take. 10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in bed. 11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts. 12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "who's easy?" 13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE! 14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You'll never see the island coming. 15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist. 16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed. 17. Eye contact is best established above our breast level. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Still More Bashing (with Some Repeats?) What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE...............He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. What's a mans' idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes. What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..." Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions. Why is it good that there are female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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New Last Names Subject: chuckle This is cute: If They Married: If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey: it's the '90's!) he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G. Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare. If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get) If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King. If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu. If Ivana Trump married (in succession,) Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener. If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur. If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Life In Prison Subject: Life in Prison vs Life at Work In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10'cell. At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' cube. In prison they get three meals a day. At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work. At work many people must wear an ID badge at all times. In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes. At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes. In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes. At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me. In prison they can watch TV and play games. At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it. At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time. In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want. At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time. In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions. At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next layoff list. In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball and chained. In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles. At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles. In prison all expenses are paid by the taxpayer, with no work on their part. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from you salary to pay for the prisoners. So where do you think you should be ??? -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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