3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
35 Essays Jokes
This is page 3 of 4 pages displaying a total of 35 Essays jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 NEXT >>
|
Life In The 1500s Life in the 1500's----- Anne Hathaway was the wife of William Shakespeare. She married at the age of 26. This is really unusual for the time. Most people married young, like at the age of 11 or 12. Life was not as romantic as we may picture it. Here are some examples: Anne Hathaway's home was a 3 bedroom house with a small parlor, which was seldom used (only for company), kitchen, and no bathroom. Mother and Father shared a bedroom. Anne had a queen sized bed, but did not sleep alone. She also had 2 other sisters and they shared the bed also with 6 servant girls. (This is before she married.) They didn't sleep like we do (lengthwise) but all laid on the bed crosswise. At least they had a bed. The other bedroom was shared by her 6 brothers and 30 field workers. They didn't have a bed. Everyone just wrapped up in their blanket and slept on the floor. They had no indoor heating so all the extra bodies kept them warm. They were also small people, the men only grew to be about 5'6" and the women were 4'8". So in their house they had 27 people. Most people got married in June. Why? They took their yearly bath in May, so they were still smelling pretty good by June, although they were starting to smell, so the brides would carry a bouquet of flowers to hide their b.o. The yearly bath was just a big tub that they would fill with hot water. The man of the house would get the privilege of the nice clean water. Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was pretty thick. Thus, the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." It was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. I'll describe their houses a little. You've heard of thatch roofs, well that's all they were. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. They were the only place for the little animals to get warm. So all the pets: dogs, cats and other small animals: mice, rats, bugs, all lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery so sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Thus the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." Since there was nothing to stop things from falling into the house they would just try to clean up a lot. But this posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings from animals could really mess up your nice clean bed, so they found if they would make beds with big posts and hang a sheet over the top it would prevent that problem. That's where those beautiful, big 4 post beds with canopies came from. When you came into the house you would notice most times that the floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, that's where the saying "dirt poor" came from. The wealthy would have slate floors. That was fine but in the winter they would get slippery when they got wet. So they started to spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they would just keep adding it and adding it until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. So they put a piece of wood at the entry way, a "threshhold". In the kitchen they would cook over the fire, they had a fireplace in the kitchen/parlor, that was seldom used and sometimes in the master bedroom. They had a big kettle that always hung over the fire and every day they would light the fire and start adding things to the pot. Mostly they ate vegetables, they didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner then leave the leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew would have food in it that had been in there for a month! Thus the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could get a hold of some pork. They really felt special when that happened and when company came over they even had a rack in the parlor where they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. That was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and they would all sit around and "chew the fat." If you had money your plates were made out of pewter. Sometimes some of their food had a high acid content and some of the lead would leach out into the food. They really noticed it happened with tomatoes. So they stopped eating tomatoes, for 400 years. Most people didn't have pewter plates though, they all had trenchers which was a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. They never washed their boards and a lot of times worms would get into the wood. After eating off the trencher with worms they would get "trench mouth." If you were going traveling and wanted to stay at an inn they usually provided the bed but not the board. The bread was divided according to status. The workers would get the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family would get the middle and guests would get the top, or the "upper crust". They also had lead cups and when they would drink their ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. They would be walking along the road and here would be someone knocked out and they thought they were dead. So they would pick them up and take them home and get them ready to bury. They noticed sometimes if they were too slow about it, the person would wake up. Also, maybe not all of the people they were burying were dead. So they would lay them out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. That's where the custom of holding a "wake" came from. Since England is so old and small they started running out of places to bury people. So they started digging up some coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. They started opening these coffins and found some had scratch marks on the inside. One out of 25 coffins were that way and they realized they had still been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. That is how the saying "graveyard shift" was made. If the bell would ring they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer". ************************* Anyone who has read this far no doubts suspects that most of this is folk etemology rather than fact...but it's amusing what some people will believe, isn't it? -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Middle Age Woes Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds? You know you're getting on in years when the women at the office start confiding in you. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Modern Theory Of Light For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck - just like a vacuum cleaner does if you forget to change the bag. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. Then the Dark Sucker quits working. A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. So next time you see an electric bulb, remember: It's really a Dark Sucker! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Men Are Inferior You CAN fool some of the people all of the time... they're called MEN! The reason I date men inferior to me is because that is the only kind there are! Why did Moses wander through the wilderness for 40 years? Because even back then men wouldn't stop and ask for directions. Even at the Christ child's birth it took 3 wisemen to do the job of 1 wiserwoman.... But seriously, I do love men... My brain is my SECOND favorite organ. There are 3 kinds of men: small, medium , and OH MY GOD!!!! Behind every great man there is a great behind..... The 6 Most Important Men In MY Life 1)THE DOCTOR-because he says, "Take off all your clothes." 2)THE DENTIST-because he says, "Open wide...wider..." 3)THE MILKMAN-because he says, "You want it in front or back?" 4)THE HAIRDRESSER-because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?" 5)THE INTERIOR DECORATOR-because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!" 6)THE BANKER-because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
In Defense Of The Penis COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING - (the author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom): Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep. Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. told her...look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature’s. Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!!! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Press Corp Interview When the president suffers from (media) overexposure The scene: a darkened room somewhere in the White House. The players: your favourite intrepid reporter, microphone in hand, and a nervous-looking lawyer. CC: Greetings ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of Soft Copy, your local investigative reporting show. Today -- eat your heart out, Wolf Blitzer -- I bring you an exclusive interview with one of the 2,304 lawyers currently investigating the Clinton administration. To protect his identity, we'll call him Sam. SAM: [checking pager] Can we get a move on? The team's found four more interns that I need to interview. CC: Sam, can you tell me why we're spending so much money to find out if the president had an affair? Who cares? SAM: Well, Hillary does, I'm sure. CC: Yes, but wouldn't it be cheaper to advise her to use the Loreena Bobbit director's cut of the movie Free Willy? SAM: But it's not about sex. CC: It's not? Damn, there go my ratings. SAM: It's about power. Abuse of power, to be exact. CC: I dunno. Sounds to me like these affairs have been pretty consensual. SAM: Consensual? Let's play a game. I'll be the president, you be the intern. I say: Hi cutie, I want to have sex with you. CC: But you're twice my age and a married man! SAM: Don't let that influence your decision. Or the fact that I'm your boss, the President, the Commander-In-Chief and that I have access to the FBI and CIA, and I know what you did in the summer of '93. CC: Ahahaha. Your place or mine? SAM: Bingo. CC: Okay, okay, so he exercised poor judgement in that case. But surely we can forgive him that? SAM: That, plus allegations surrounding Whitewater, Chinese contributions to the Democratic party, drugs, using police to obtain women, never mind Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones. This administration has given whole new meaning to the terms Lincoln Bedroom, Oval Office and Chief of Staff. CC: [desperately] Yes, but, but the economy is doing so well! SAM: Two words - Allan Greenspan. Besides, if this is all so forgivable and okay, why do I hear that sound whenever news about Clinton comes on TV? CC: What sound? SAM: The sound of hundreds of parent's hands clapping over their kids eyes and ears. Heck, the media can't even report this story without fidgeting. CC: [huffy] I am a jaded, cynical reporter. I can handle anything. SAM: Oh yeah? What's on Monica Lewinsky's dress? CC: A stain. DNA. A substance. SAM: See? You can't even say the word! Even legal terms like subpoena and pro bonoare beginning to sound indelicate. And anyway, most of the media is biased. CC: Aha! You mean it's a left-wing Democratic coverup! I knew it! SAM: No, no, no. Not politically biased, generationally biased. Clinton's one of us, dude! Free love, pot-smoking, draft-dodging and saxophone playing. Forever young, man! He might have to jog to get rid of his middle-aged spread, but hey, isn't kinda cool he's also into that other kind of jogging? He's one of the Two Plus Two generation! CC: Come again? SAM: The generation that always hopes that just this once, two plus two will not equal four! We played 'truth or dare' as kids, not 'truth and consequences.' Just look at our movies. CC: This isn't another Free Willy crack is it? SAM: No, and I'll even spare you the one about sex and aides. But think back to the definitive movie of the 1940's: Casablanca. A man gives up the love of his life to protect her marriage, the Resistance and to carry on the fight for freedom. The definitive 90's movie? Indecent Proposal. A man pays $1 million to sleep with another man's wife, and surprise! It busts up the relationship, causes bitterness, betrayal of trust, cynicism and pain. CC: Ouch. That's pretty harsh, isn't it? SAM: Yep. Kinda like finding out Peter Pan knocked up Wendy. We don't want to hear it. CC: I notice we're back to sex again. SAM: Hey, you complained about the ratings. Anyway, what did they say at that convention years ago? 'You can't be one kind of man, and another kind of president.' CC: You sound like a closet Republican. SAM: Actually, Republicans really don't like to be associated with closets. Look, I should go. CC: Ah yes, the interns. Will you inform the President of your latest investigations? SAM: Probably not. CC: Why? SAM: He's been debriefed enough already, don't you think? CC: [Groan.] And I thought it was boxers. ---------------------------------------------------------- Chandra K. Clarke is a humor columnist in Southwestern Ontario, Canada. Read previous columns at http://www.scribendi.com/humin.html, or subscribe to the IMHO mailing list by sending 'subscribe' in the subject line to humbleopinion@scribendi.com. Copyright 1998 Chandra K. Clarke. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Pap Smear Event In Melbourne, Fl. one of the radio stations paid money ($100-$500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $300..... I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
A Non-chain Letter ====================================================== THE OFFICIAL UN-CHAIN LETTER DO NOT FORWARD THIS ! DON'T EVEN THINK OF IT ! Forwarding this will cause immense amounts of bad luck. Do not forward this to your friends, or enemies. If you send this to one of your friends you will end up blowing lint balls out of your nose. If you send it to two or three of your friends, they will be affected by the above and any and all of your pets will lose effective bladder control. If you send it to four to eight of your friends, they will be affected by the above and you will be the sole cause of mass starvation in a small Mediterranean country. If you send this to nine to fifteen of your friends, they will be affected by all of the above and you will be drafted to serve in a Peacekeeping Force in the Mediterranean area. If you send this to sixteen to twenty-five of your friends, they will be affected by all of the above and you will be captured, tortured and brainwashed by a small radical band of anarchists who have control of a twenty megaton hydrogen bomb with surface to surface capabilities. If you send this to more than twenty five of your friends, they will be affected by all of the above and you personally will trigger the hydogen device. and we know where that leads don't we? HOWEVER, If you only THINK of sending it to one of your friends. your buggers will be normal. If you only THINK of sending it to two or three of your friends, they will be affected by the above, and your pets will only piss you off. If you only THINK of sending it to four to eight of your friends, they will be affected by all of the above and the olive harvest will be a bumper crop this year. If you only THINK of sending it to nine to fifteen of your friends, they will be affected by all of the above (cheap martinis) and you will qualify for a brainless cush job at twice the salary. If you only THINK of sending it to sixteen to twenty-five of your friends, they will be affected by all of the above and you will become involved in a pretentious race of keeping up with your friend's purchases of materialistic items. If you only THINK of sending it to more than twenty-five of your friends, they will affected by all of the above, and your friends will personally hold you responsible for their sleazy materialistic attitudes and jointly hire a hit man to pull the trigger. SO REALLY, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT FORWARDING THIS ! ===================================================== -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Rain Forrest Debate _____________________________________________________ Rainforest?! When the hell did it become the rainforest? When I was a little kid it was called the jungle, a place where it's dark and scary and snakes are crawling everywhere and there's large spiders that bite you and, if you don't find an antidote for its poison in five minutes, your heart will explode. Now it's the rainforest, a happy place of butterflies with smiling little elves running around. And when did swamps become wetlands? They used to be damp, muddy places you wanted to get rid of, and now they're beautiful habitats of endangered wildlife. Hell, they'll probably invent a euphemism for deserts soon, maybe like "dryscape", and they'll halt industrial encroachment to save some stupid desert snail or kangaroo rat. Like deserts animals will ever do us any good; they're always out there in the desert for pete's sake! First of all, I think we should nuke the stupid rainforest (that'll dry it up) so all those enviro-mental-cases will stop their high frequency whining about its gradual destruction. Second of all, well... I don't have a second of all, other than maybe making some big international summit on enviromentalism, maybe have France host it, so all the enviromentalists will gather in one place so we take 'em out with one nuke. See how many uses I can think of nuclear weapons, but we haven't even used any yet. Well back to the subject of "rainforests," what the hell do we need them for anyways? Did you say because there might be some undiscovered medical cures in its varied plant and animal life? Boy do I wish there was a way I could program this message so a lightning bolt could shoot out of the screen at you. If God decided to hide some cure to cancer way out in the middle of the stinkin' jungle, then you can tell He doesn't like us very much so we don't stand much of a chance regardless. The other argument people seem to bring up before their idiocy thrusts me into a violent rage is that rainforests are "the lungs of the planet". Let me clue you in: we could agent orange all the rainforests, and we here in America would never know. We already have tons of trees and plants here to give us oxygen; hell, we got too many trees. They're actually a hazard; Just look what happened to Sonny Bono or Micheal Kennedy... So if one of those little South American countries ends up destroying all their trees and then suffocating, well, screw them. We never needed them anyways. Actually that might be good for the economy because then we could sell them our excess oxygen. Think of the slogans we could have: "Oxygen Co.: Buy or die." So I guess now my nuking the rainforest idea not only will get the environmentalists to shut up, but it also has economic potential. They really should put me in charge of stuff like this. But wait, you can just do harsh things like that, the Earth is fragile! Hey, did I just hear a whine? The Earth is not fragile. Go outside, jump up and down as hard as you can, and the Earth will not fracture in two. The Earth is the complete opposite of fragile. It is a giant rock bobbing on water and floating in space. Comets can ram into it at thousands of miles per hour and it will still survive. So burn down those forests, deep fry those endangered species, find the most fuel inefficient car you can, and let the nukes fall like rain drops, 'cause we know the earth will still be here long after so that we can exploit it for our own purposes; and, dammit, that's the American way. _________________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Sessame St. News Flash IMPORTANT NOT ORIGINAL BREAKING SESAME copyright unknown STREET NEWS! NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street, has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead; including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time friend, room- mate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper's Store. New York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded the building. NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at this hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York City Police. Kermit-The-Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as police stormed the five story tenament building where the bird was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird. There is no information available concerning Maria. NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird was killed by Police early this morning after the bird went on a killing spree on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, has survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prarie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local Hooper's. NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent at the loss of his good buddy Bert. NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five o'clock this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets became enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large, styrofome letters. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this hour, quiet is restored -- but tensions are very high. NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Sesame Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Orange and blue firelight is rising over many buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting firemen and police from windows high above the street with counting and alphabet songs. NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testiment of the night of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by Police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet--still animated with life--can be seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported running down the street crying and yelling, :"Ten, Ten Lifeless Mupput Bodies!" No humans were killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug-burns. NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his address: I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by millions thoughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's leaders. Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everone turned to for advice. It was Bert who told us all, "anyone who can hang as many paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the country." I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to memorialize him, with violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures to "just get along" with each other. Big Bird has come to a bad end, friends, but is wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
